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i 


Mallocli 


DOUGLAS  MALLOCH 


KESAWED   FABLES 


BY 

DOUGLAS  MALLOCH 


1911: 

AMERICAN  LUMBERMAN- 
CHICAGO 


Copyright,  1911,  by  the  American  Lumberman 


DEDICATION: 

TO  MY  SON,  DONALD  HERBERT  MALLOCH, 

^         WHO  CAN'T  READ  YET, 

AND  TO  ANY  OTHERS   WHO   WILL. 


325015 


RESAWED    FABLES 


Of  Developing  a  Specialty 

Any  High-Brow  Farmer  will  allow  that  it  is 
difficult  to  find  a  General  Purpose  Cow.  Some 
of  our  Agricultural  Customers  will  say  a  Hoi- 
stein  is,  and  some  will  say  Some  Other  Critter. 
This  Subject  has  been  debated  at  every  Social 
Function  in  Posey  County  for  years,  but  it  is 
likely  to  remain  Unanswered  until  T.  Roosevelt 
takes  to  dairying. 

The  General  Purpose  Lumberman  is  Analo- 
gous, whatever  that  is.  It  is  pretty  hard  for  a 
Bovine  to  make  good  Suet  and  be  a  Good  Butter 
Cow  also,  especially  if  her  Qualities  as  Beef 
are  tested  First.  The  Best  Butter  and  Beef 
Cow  the  Writer  ever  saw  was  one  of  the  Gen- 
tleman Variety,  which  Butted  its  Owner  over 
into  the  next  Quarter  Section  and  was  con- 
verted into  Prime  Beef  shortly  thereafter. 

The  General  Purpose  Lumberman  is  Analo- 
gous. It  is  difficult  for  a  man  to  be  a  good  Mill 
Man,  a  good  Timber  Buyer,  a  good  Salesman,  a 
good  Collector  and  a  good  Christian  all  at  one 
and  the  same  Time.  Once  there  was  a  Whole- 


10. .!,  RESAWED   FABLES 

sale  Lumber  Dealer  who  employed  one  of  these 
General  Purpose  Lumbermen.  This  Man  looked 
after  the  Buying,  the  Selling  and  the  Credit 
Department;  and  this  Trio  of  Triplets  kept  him 
about  as  busy  as  Triplets  will.  Once  in  a  while 
a  Chance  to  close  a  Snap  on  some  Log  Run 
slipped  through  his  mitts.  Now  and  then  a 
Sale  was  not  closed  up  in  time  because  he  didn't 
have  the  Time  with  which  to  close  it  up.  Occa- 
sionally a  Eetail  Dealer  exploded  with  a  Dull 
Roar  and  left  the  Wholesale  Yard  Holding  the 
Bag,  because  the  General  Purpose  Lumberman 
had  not  been  as  Hep  to  the  Retailer's  Respon- 
sibility as  he  might  have  been. 
.  These  things  Irked  both  the  Wholesaler  and 
the  General  Purpose  Lumberman.  The  Inevit- 
able happened.  It  was  one  of  those  Cases 
where  a  Man  was  *Fired  and  Quit  at  the  Same 
Time.  Now  the  Wholesaler  has  three  Men  to 
Wrastle  what  used  to  be  done  by  one  General 
Purpose  Lumberman.  It  costs  him  nearly 
three  times  as  Much,  but  he  is  better  Satisfied. 
As  for  the  General  Purpose  Lumberman,  he  is 
better  satisfied  also.  He  is  doing  Nothing  but 
Buying  now  for  another  Wholesale  Concern 
and  he  is  cashing  Three  Times  the  Salary  he 
was  when  holding  down  Three  Jobs — and  get- 
ting Longer  Vacations. 
Moral — This  is  the  Age  of  the  Specialist;  the 


EESAWED   FABLES  11 

Successful  Man  is  the  one  who  can  do  one 
Thing  better  than  Anybody  else — or  can  make 
People  Think  he  can. 


Of  Going   Up  Against  the  Wrong 
Proposition 

There  was  Once — only  once — a  Traveling 
Salesman  for  a  Belt  Factory  who  had  a  cute 
curly  Moustache,  a  Red  Vest  and  a  Manner 
that  he  thought  made  Chesterfield  look  like  a 
Hod  Carrier.  He  generally  let  the  Black  Mous- 
tache get  in  its  Work  first,  then  he  Turned  On 
the  Vest  (he  should  have  been  Pinched  for 
wearing  it  inside  the  Fire  Limits),  and  finally 
let  the  Winning  Manner  do  the  Best.  He  be- 
lieved as  a  Lady-Killer  he  had  Bluebeard  spar- 
ring for  wind. 

One  day  this  Half-Baked  Lad,  who  thought 
his  name  ought  to  be  spelled  Winner  with  a 
Big  W,  dropped  into  a  Strange  Burg  to  sell  a 
Little  Bill  of  Belts  to  the  E.  U.  Good  Lumber 
Company.  As  luck — which  was  always  coming 
his  Way  in  large  sized  Packages — would  have 
it,  there  was  no  One  in  the  Office  when  the 
Heart  Smasher  strode  in  in  all  his  Glory  but  a 


12  EESAWED   FABLES 

Defenseless  Woman  engaged  in  looking  over 
the  Books — (at  about  $20  per  mo,  thought  the 
Wise  Guy  with  the  Belt  Line).  He  at  once  got 
his  Moustache  and  his  Sunset  Vest  and  his 
Triple-Plate  Cheek  to  work  to  win  her  out. 

The  Rest  of  the  Particulars  are  Missing  and 
also  seven  Links  of  the  Belt  Salesman's  Watch- 
chain  and  the  Order  he  was  to  have  gotten  from 
the  E.  U.  Good  Lumber  Company.  Some  of  the 
Mill  Hands  found  him  in  an  Inverted  Position 
in  a  Barrel  of  Black  Grease  at  the  Back  of  the 
Office  which,  while  it  may  have  oiled  his  Mous- 
tache, did  not  improve  the  Vest.  He  had  to 
own  up  that  he  had  tried  to  Win  Out  the 
Female  Bookkeeper  in  the  Office  and  had  run 
up  against  a  Lady  Zbyszko  in  Disguise. 

Then  One  of  the  Volunteer  Life-Saving  Crew 
who  had  pulled  him  out  of  the  Grease  Barrel 
had  a  Happy  Thought. 

"Why,"  he  ejaculated,  "I  know  who  it  was 
you  Met." 

"I  don't  care  Who  it  was  I  met,"  said  the 
Salesman,  "May  we  never  Meet  Again.  But 
who  was  It0?" 

"That  was  the  Widow  Good,  the  Head  of  the 
Company." 

Moral — Sometimes  When  you  tackle  a 
Woman  You  tackle  the  Wrong  Man. 


EESAWED   FABLES  13 

Of  Yielding  to  Temptation 

Now  it  so  Happened,  as  such  Things  will, 
that  a  certain  Saw  Mill  Man  in  Pennsylvania 
had  three  Sons.  Two  of  the  Sons  were  good 
Sons  but  the  other  Son  was  a  Black  Sheep. 
When  a  mere  child  the  Black  Sheep  licked  the 
two  good  Sons  singly  and  syndicated;  but  be  it 
also  said  to  the  Credit  of  the  Black  Sheep  that 
he  also  punched  the  Everlasting  Dickens  out 
of  a  Brace  of  School  Bullies  who  tried  to  hand 
it  to  the  Good  Sons.  If  there  was  a  Fight  or 
an  Expedition  to  some  Farmer's  Melon  Patch 
or  any  Mischief  brewing  the  Black  Sheep  was 
Johnny  on  the  Spot.  If  there  was  Anything 
doing  in  the  Trouble  Line  Black  Sheep  wanted 
to  be  right  there  when  the  Trouble  was  handed 
out.  But  the  two  good  Boys  were  home  study- 
ing their  Trigonometry,  whatever  that  is. 

The  Three  Graces  worried  through  School 
and  went  to  College,  with  a  Result  that  might 
have  been  expected.  The  two  good  Sons  got 
through  Astrology  and  Bugology  and  came  out 
with  the  Degree  of  B.  A.  The  Black  Sheep, 
while  he  did  not  get  through  Trigonometry  and 
Deuteronomy  and  such  Branches,  did  manage 
to  get  through  about  $120  of  the  old  man's 
Money  every  Month  and  graduated  in  the  Mid- 


14  KESAWED   FABLES 

die  of  his  sophomore  Year  with  the  Degree  of 
B.  A.  A. — which  stands  for  baa,  baa,  Black 
Sheep,  and  is  a  Degree  one  Degree  higher  than 
the  Boiling  Point. 

Now  the  wonderful  Part  of  this  Story  is  that 
the  old  man  never  lost  confidence  in  the  Black 
Sheep.  He  had  to  admit  in  the  first  Place  that 
the  Boy  had  enough  Energy  to  keep  him  busy 
getting  him  out  of  Scrapes,  but  he  never  ob- 
served the  good  Boys  burning  up  Anything 
around  in  their  Part  of  the  Grounds.  He  said 
he  would  rather  see  a  Man  make  an  Error  now 
and  then  in  the  Game  of  Life  than  see  him  loaf 
and  let  Easy  Outs  go  by  for  Base  Hits.  The 
Boy's  Mother  kicked  sometimes  but  the  old 
man  sprung  the  Sowing-His-Wild-Oats  Gag  on 
her  on  these  Occasions  and  managed  to  keep 
Peace  and  the  Black  Sheep  in  the  Family. 

"If  he  gets  through  this  Time  of  Life  with- 
out breaking  his  Neck  or  his  Father/'  the 
Boy's  Dad  used  to  say,  "he'll  be  in  Shape  to 
appreciate  what  he's  Tip  Against  when  he 
breaks  into  the  Lumber  Business.  Not  that  I 
recommend  this  Course  of  Study  for  any  young 
Man;  but  Deviltry  is  like  Measles — if  a  Person 
is  bound  to  have  it  Some  Time  he  had  better 
have  it  while  he's  Young." 

When  the  Boys  had  all  got  Home  from  Col- 
lege the  old  man  decided  to  set  them  up  in 


EESAWED   FABLES  15 

Business.  So  he  established  three  retail  Lum- 
ber Yards  in  Towns  far  enough  apart  to  keep 
the  three  Brothers  from  fighting  for  Barn  Bills 
as  they  used  to  fight  for  Megs  in  Boyhood 
Days.  The  Governor  was  tempted  to  put  them 
all  in  the  same  Burg  and  let  the  best) Man  win; 
but,  for  the  Sake  of  Peace  and  Profits,  he  wise- 
ly decided  upon  the  other  Course. 

Now  it  came  to  pass  that  the  first  good  Son 
did  not  do  enough  Business  to  keep  up  his  fire 
Insurance  premiums.  There  may  have  been 
Something  the  Matter  with  his  Town  or  his 
Trigonometry.  There  were  some  People  who 
said  he  lacked  Practical  Experience,  while 
there  were  Others  who  came  right  out  in  Meet- 
ing and  declared  that  all  he  lacked  was  Brains. 

As  might  have  been  expected  in  a  Yarn  of 
this  Kind,  the  Black  Sheep  did  all  Kinds  of 
Business  at  his  Yard.  When  he  got  a  Lumber 
Yard  on  his  Shoulders  he  sort  of  Settled  Down, 
which  almost  any  Man  would  do  under  the 
same  Circumstances.  At  the  End  of  the  Year 
he  turned  $3,800  over  to  the  Governor  as  the 
Proceeds  of  the  Yard  its  first  Season. 

The  other  Son  did  even  better,  strange  to 
say.  There  may  have  been  some  Luck  in  it  or 
it  may  have  been  the  Bugology  that  helped  him. 
At  any  rate,  at  the  End  of  the  Year  the  Books 
of  the  second  good  Son  showed  $5,247.63  to  the 


16  EESAWED   FABLES 

Credit  of  the  Old  Man  who  had  given  him  the 
Yard  to  Boss. 

But  the  Good  Young  Man  couldn't  stand  the 
Pressure,  and  the  old  man  has  never  cashed  in 
his  Credit  for  $5,247.63.  He  has  blown  in 
pretty  near  that  much  for  Ads  in  the  Personal 
Columns  stating  that  if  Reginald  will  return 
all  will  be  forgiven. 

Moral — He  is  unlucky  whose  First  Tempta- 
tion is  a  Big  One. 


Of  Socrates  and  the  Man  from 
Wisconsin 

This  Fable  is  for  the  uplift  of  the  Human 
Tank  who  is  inclined  to  cast  his  lamps  on  the 
Wine  when  it  is  Bed. 

This  man — an  Exception — was  a  Hemlock 
Manufacturer  at  Somewhere,  Wis.  He  had 
been  reading  the  Sad  Fate  of  one  Socrates,  who 
Flourished  between  469  and  399  B.  C.  It  both- 
ered him  Some  to  see  how  a  Man  could  be  born 
in  469  and  Die  in  399.  According  to  that  he 
had  Died  Seventy  years  before  he  was  Born — 
a  Very  sad  thing  to  Happen  to  Any  man.  How- 


EESAWED   FABLES  17 

ever,  it  is  that  Way  in  the  books  and  it  might 
Easily  have  happened  in  Some  Towns. 

Socrates  was  a  Philosopher,  like  B.  A.  Johnson 
and  Frank  McMillan.  He  was  the  Son  of 
Sopronicus,  and  a  pupil  of  Sumothercus,  who 
taught  him  to  be  a  Sculptor.  Soc  thought  that 
rather  than  be  a  Sculptor  he  would  be  a 
Philosopher.  Sculpting  too  closely  resembled 
Work,  while  it  was  a  Snap  to  philos. 

History  records  that  Socrates  had  a  Shrewish 
Wife,  but  that  he  also  had  a  Robust  Constitu- 
tion— which  was  Well.  It  is  recorded  that 
Socrates  once  Stood  still  for  twenty-four  Hours 
Entranced  in  Thought.  He  was  Probably  try- 
ing to  Remember  what  his  Wife  Tied  the  White 
String  on  his  Finger  for. 

In  399  Socrates  was  Charged  with  Neglect- 
ing the  Gods  of  the  State  and  Introducing  new 
Divinities  and  with  Corrupting  the  Morals  of 
the  Young.  It  is  Supposed  that  this  was  the 
Result  of  his  Attempt  to  Hold  a  Concatenation. 

Similar  Charges  had  been  Made  twenty-four 
Years  before;  but  Socrates  had  a  Pull  and 
knew  Something  about  getting  Continuances, 
Writs  of  Habeas  Corpus  etc.,  etc.  In  his  De- 
fense Socrates  pointed  with  Pride  to  his  Past. 
(A  man  always  has  more  Confidence  in  his 
Past  than  other  People  have.)  Socrates  was 
Convicted  by  six  Votes  out  of  a  possible  500, 


18  EESAWED   FABLES 

but  expressed  a  Willingness  to  submit  to  a  Re- 
count in  one  or  two  Doubtful  Precincts.  The 
Punishment  had  still  to  be  Picked  Out.  Soc- 
rates himself  Declared  that  if  he  were  Treated 
according  to  his  public  Services  he  would  be 
Maintained  at  Public  expense.  This  provoked 
the  Jury,  and  it  Condemned  him  to  wear  a 
Tombstone.  The  Jury  gave  him  Thirty  days 
to  settle  up  his  Affairs,  and  then  Compelled 
him  to  Drink  a  Cup  of  Hemlock.  This  made 
Socrates  the  Original  Hemlock  Consumer,  and 
caused  his  Subsequent  election  as  the  Patron 
Saint  of  the  Northern  Hemlock  &  Hardwood 
Manufacturers'  Association. 

The  Hemlock  Manufacturer  at  Somewhere, 
Wis.,  mentioned  earlier  in  the  Chapter,  had 
been  Reading  about  Socrates  and  the  Hemlock 
he  Consumed,  and  Wisely  decided  that  where 
Socrates  made  his  Mistake  in  Drinking  Hem- 
lock was  in  being  too  abrupt  about  it.  This 
man  had  a  Hemlock  mill  and  a  few  million 
feet  of  Hemlock  Lumber  in  stock  and  a  few 
Million  more  of  Hemlock  in  the  Tree.  Instead 
of  Absorbing  this  in  the  Rough,  and  thus  filling 
his  System  full  of  Methylconine,  he  Converted 
his  Hemlock  Lumber  Yard,  his  Hemlock  mill 
and  his  Hemlock  Timber  into  Gin  Fizzes, 
Brandy  Sours  and  the  Stuff  that  made  Louis- 
ville Famous. 


BESAWED   FABLES  19 

He  may  have  Thought  that  he  had  More  Pun 
than  Socrates,  but  he  Suffered  longer  and  the 
Result  was  the  same. 

Moral — No  man  was  ever  made  Rich  by 
Booze,  not  the  Fellow  in  Front. 


Of  Piling  It  On 


There  are  a  Lot  of  Men  in  this  Vale  of  Tears 
who  have  a  Good  Thing  and  don't  appreciate 
the  Fact.  At  least  that  is  what  their  Wives  are' 
always  Telling  them.  No  one  appreciates  a 
Good  Thing  like  a  Woman — and  no  one  uses  a 
Mirror  as  Much. 

Once  upon  a  Time  there  was  a  Retail  Lum- 
ber Dealer  like  that.  He  was  doing  a  Business 
like  a  Lemonade  Seller  at  a  Newsboys'  Picnic 
and  stood  a  chance  of  getting  almost  as  wealthy. 
It  was  the  Kind  of  Wealth  that  comes  to  a  Man 
slowly  but  surely — like  an  Appetite  for  Olives. 
But  this  Man  had  the  Idea  he  wanted  to  get 
Wealthy  by  Jerks. 

So  he  began  to  " Enlarge  his  Business." 
That's  what  he  Called  It.  Now,  enlarging  one's 
Business  is  All  Right;  but  that  is  like  a  Fellow's 
Portrait — he  doesn't  want  to  enlarge  it  too 


20  EESAWED   FABLES 

large  or  it  will  make  the  Mole  on  his  Face  look 
like  the  Biggest  thing  on  the  Farm,  and  his 
Wrinkled  Brow  like  a  Corrugated  Roof. 

It  is  a  Commercial  Truth  that  Good  Credit 
is  of  Absolutely  no  Value  to  a  Man  unless  he 
uses  it.  But  it  is  like  Congratulations  at  a  Wed- 
ding— don't  overdo  it  or  in  Time  the  Other  Fel- 
low will  find  out  what  an  Awful  Liar  you  are. 

This  Man  began  to  use  his  Credit — a  little  at 
first,  a  lot  at  last.  His  Credit  was  Al,  for 
everybody  knew  he  was  simply  coining  Money. 
He  had  a  Ketail  Lumber  Business  that  was  a 
Cinch.  He  had  the  People  with  him.  So  when 
he  wanted  a  little  money  the  bank  advanced  it 
to  him.  He  told  the  Bank  that  it  was  to  enlarge 
his  Business,  and  the  Directors  rubbed  their 
Hands  and  were  glad.  The  local  paper  told 
about  the  Big  Stock  he  was  going  to  put  in  and 
printed  a  Picture  of  him  that  represented  him 
in  an  advanced  Stage  of  Smallpox. 

It  wasn't  so  very  awful  Long  before  the 
Thing  got  to  be  a  Mania  with  him.  He  had 
Dreams  at  Night  and  Schemes  by  Day.  After 
a  while  the  Bank  made  him  get  an  Indorser. 
Then  he  applied  to  his  Friends.  At  first  they 
were  Delighted.  After  a  little  While  instead 
of  being  Delighted  they  were  Busy  or  Out  of 
Town.  It  was  about  this  Time  that  a  Coinci- 
dence happened.  A  Coincidence  is  when  two 


EESAWED   FABLES  21 

Things  unexpectedly  happen  at  the  Same  Time 
— for  instance,  Twins. 

One  Day  in  the  merry  Month  of  May  the 
Dealer  heard  a  Crash  out  in  the  Yard.  At  first 
he  thought  it  might  be  the  Bookkeeper's  new 
Summer  Suit,  but  he  determined  to  Investigate. 
When  he  reached  the  Point  of  Investigation  he 
found  the  Hands  pulling  about  75,000  feet  of 
2x10x12  off  of  Mike  Malone,  the  best  Lumber 
Filer  in  the  Business.  When  they  got  Mike  out 
he  looked  like  the  Busy  Part  of  a  Railroad  Col- 
lision. 

"You  see  it  was  like  This,"  explained  the 
Yard  Foreman.  "Mike  got  swelled  on  himself. 
He  is  a  Cracker  jack  at  Standing  up  Lumber 
and  he  knows  it.  This  two-by-ten  piles  nice 
and  Mike  said  he  would  stack  up  a  Lumber  Pile 
that  would  make  the  Eiffel  Tower  look  like  a 
Dog  House.  He'd  got  it  up  where  it  was  the 
Highest  Pile  of  Lumber  ever  seen  in  this  Dis- 
trict; but  that  wasn't  enough.  He  said  it  would 
stand  another  Course  and  he  went  to  put  it  on. 
It  was  one  Course  too  much.  Mike  and  the  Top 
of  the  Pile  both  started  for  the  ground  at  the 
Same  Time — but  Mike  got  here  First. 

"The  Wind  would  have  Took  the  Pile  over 
Anyway  before  long,  so  we're  Nothing  Out. 
But  I  feel  kind  of  Sorry  for  Mike.  He'll  have 
to  take  Some  one  home  with  him  to  Identify 


22  EESAWED   FABLES 

him  to  his  wife.  It  shows  that  a  Man  don't 
want  to  pile  it  on  Too  Thick. " 

The  Lumberman  went  back  to  the  Office  and 
figured  up  what  Paper  he  had  Floating.  Then 
he  tore  up  a  Blank  Note  and  a  Mortgage. 

Moral — It  Doesn't  have  to  be  Pointed  out; 
it's  Plain  Enough. 


Of  the  Man  Who  Welches 

A  Traveling  Salesman  for  a  Toothpick  Fac- 
tory, a  Man  who  appreciated  a  Good  point 
whether  it  was  on  a  Toothpick  or  in  a  Story, 
fell  in  with  a  Stranger  in  the  Smoker  and  in- 
vited him  into  a  little,  quiet  Game  of  Draw. 
The  Stranger  Fell  for  the  Suggestion  with 
celerity.  A  Couple  of  other  Fellow  Passengers 
were  drawn  into  the  Gentlemen's  Game  and,  as 
no  Particular  Limit  but  the  End  of  the  Road 
had  been  Mentioned,  the  Jackpots  soon  became 
nearly  as  large  as  the  Purses  hung  up  at  the 
Somerville  (N.  J.)  County  Fair. 

After  the  Game  had  progressed  for  a  Brief 
Interval  there  occurred  one  of  those  Striking 
Coincidences  that  Sometimes  happen  in  Draw 
Poker — two  Men  held  Combinations  which  they 
knew  couldn't  be  Beat  if  they  were  Lucky 


RESAWED   FABLES  23 

enough  to  Fill.  When  the  Stranger  Fingered 
over  his  Pasteboards  he  found  three  beautiful 
Aces,  a  Six  of  Hearts  and  a  Seven  of  Spades. 
The  Toothpick  Drummer  found  three  little 
Trays  that  looked  Pretty  Good  to  him,  so* Good 
in  fact  that  he  quietly  remarked,  "  Gentlemen, 
it'll  cost  you  Ten  to  draw  Cards." 

While  there  was  a  very  comfortable  John 
Pot,  the  Outsiders  could  not  see  Ten  Dollars' 
Worth  of  Cards  in  their  Hands  and  promptly 
backed  up.  It  was  now  up  to  the  Stranger  and 
he  came  in  with  promptitude.  On  the  Draw  he 
was  rather  Glad  he  came,  for  he  exchanged  his 
Six  and  Seven  for  a  Pair  of  Ladies.  The  Tooth- 
pick Drummer  also  drew  two  Cards  but  he  did 
not  get  a  Pair.  Nevertheless  he  bid  Ten  Simo- 
leons  and  the  Stranger  came  back  at  him  with 
Fifty  Better.  The  Toothpick  Agent  fingered 
his  Cards  again  thoughtfully  and  cautiously, 
reached  into  his  Pocket  and  pulled  out  a  Small 
Wallet  and  laid  down  a  Hundred. 

The  two  spectators  looked  at  One  Another 
and  drew  a  Little  Closer.  The  Stranger  went 
into  a  Fit.  He  grew  Eed,  White  and  Blue  by 
Turns.  He  gazed  at  his  three  little  Aces  and 
his  Pair  of  Queens.  They  did  not  look  as  Big 
as  they  had  a  few  minutes  ago,  but  still  they 
looked  Pretty  Big.  The  Silence  felt  like  an 
Ulcerated  Tooth. 


24  EESAWED   FABLES 

"ItTI  cost  you  Fifty  to  see  what  I've  got," 
murmured  the  man  with  the  Line  of  Toothpicks. 

The  Stranger  awoke  with  a  Start.  Then  he 
also  Dove  down  into  his  Inner  Compartments 
and  pulled  out  a  Black,  religious-looking  Wallet. 
From  its  recesses  he  plucked  two  Twenties  and 
a  Ten.  The  Toothpick  Man  laid  down  Four 
Trays. 

The  Cards  dropped  from  the  Stranger's  hands 
and  the  Toothpick  Drummer  began  folding  up 
the  greenbacks.  Then  the  Stranger  spoke  in 
the  Voice  of  a  man  opening  a  Memorial  Meet- 
ing. 

"Are  you  really  going  to  take  it?"  he  asked. 

"Why  not?"  asked  the  Toothpick  man,  paus- 
ing in  surprise. 

"Because  when  I  played  that  fifty  Dollars  I 
risked  more  than  the  Money;  I  Risked  my 
Eeputation  and  my  Sacred  Honor.  That  was 
the  Firm's  Money." 

"Yes,  you  risked  it  and  I  won  it  and  it's 
Mine.  But,  Stranger,"  said  the  Toothpick  man, 
passing  Fifty  Dollars  back  to  the  other  man, 
"I'll  stake  you  back  to  your  Reputation  and 
your  Sacred  Honor  and  ask  you  this  One  Ques- 
tion: Would  your  Sacred  Honor  have  been 
0.  K.  if  you  had  Won?" 

Moral — We  never  Recognize  the  Wickedness 
of  the  Game  until  we  Lose. 


EESAWED   FABLES  25 

Of  Keeping  the  Faith 

Once  upon  a  Time  there  was  a  bunch  of  saw 
mill  men  who  were  sawing  lumber  to  beat  the 
Band.  But  the  Band  came  up  again  serenely 
every  morning  and  asked  for  More.  The 
Amount  of  this  particular  lumber  that  these 
unparticular  lumbermen  were  sending  out  upon 
a  cold,  unfeeling  world  was,  however,  away  out 
of  proportion  to  the  Financial  Returns  that 
Blew  in  in  the  Daily  Mail.  The  mill  men  were 
apparently  making  lumber  for  their  Health, 
but  this  was  not  having  the  Tonic  Effect  that 
might  be  Expected.  They  decided  finally  to 
hold  a  Medical  Congress  and  see  if  the  Trouble 
lay  in  the  netherschorosis  or  in  the  supercere- 
brum. 

This  consultation,  or  ante-mortem  investiga- 
tion, was  the  result  of  the  Enterprise  and  Post- 
age of  I.  Sawyer  Wood,  who  had  Dared  the 
Bunch  to  Sit  down  Together  at  the  Hotel  de 
Bum  joint.  Mr.  Wood  looked  over  the  list  of 
the  Men  engaged  in  this  line  of  Sawdust  Manu- 
facture and  bagged  89  out  of  a  possible  93,  giv- 
ing him  an  average  of  .957.  When  the  Sawmil- 
lers  had  Coagulated  Somewhat,  Mr.  Wood  made 
a  Proposition  that  they  put  the  Business  where 
it  would  yield  Dividends  instead  of  Headaches. 


26  EESAWED   FABLES 

He  proposed  to  do  this  by  shutting  down  all 
the  Mills  from  3:07  to  3:24  p.  m.  every  Thurs- 
day. 

Most  of  those  present  expressed  a  Hearty 
Willingness  to  subscribe  to  the  Agreement, 
but  some  of  the  Bashful  Ones  were  disposed 
to  Hang  Back.  They  were  worried  about  the 
Other  Four  who  were  not  at  the  Meeting.  Had 
it  been  a  meeting  to  Whack  Up  Something  the 
absence  of  the  Terrible  Four  would  not  have 
Worried  them  so  much. 

But  the  more  the  Among  Those  Present  con- 
sidered the  Absent  Ones  the  More  Were  they 
Persuaded  that  until  the  Fearful  Four  came 
into  the  Fold  there  could  be  Nothing  Doing. 

I.  Sawyer  Wood  sidestepped  a  Talkfest  and 
calmed  their  Fears  by  agreeing  Personally  to 
make  a  Junket  to  Diagnose  the  Cases  of  the 
Absent  Ones.  Thereupon  he  succeeded  in  get- 
ting those  present  to  Subscribe  to  an  Instru- 
ment that  was  expected  to  Blow  Holes  in  the 
Cloud  of  Financial  Depression  and  bring  on  a 
Shower  of  Gold  Shekels.  Then  the  Meeting 
adjourned,  subject  to  the  Call  of  the  Janitor. 

Two  weeks  later  I.  Sawyer  Wood  started  out 
to  see  what  Ailed  the  Four  Foolish  Virgins. 
He  found  that  one  Sawmiller  had  contracted 
his  Season's  cut  and  to  Limit  it  might  involve 
a  Lawsuit.  The  next  man  had  some  Notes 


EESAWED   FABLES  27 

coming  Due  and  by  keeping  up  his  Gait  he  was 
just  able  to  look  the  Bank  Cashier  in  the  Face. 
The  Third  Man  was  working  on  a  Special  Bill 
and  he  had  to  Go  Some  to  get  it  out  according 
to  Schedule.  The  Fourth  Man  explained  that 
he  didn't  make  his  Glad  Presence  known  at  the 
Meeting  because  he  had  been  Sawmilling  so 
long  under  present  conditions  that  he  didn't 
have  the  Price. 

All  would  have  been  well  if  I.  Sawyer  Wood 
had  not  Continued  his  Travels.  He  went  eleven 
miles  up  the  railroad;  and  then  he  Kealized 
with  a  Great  Throb  of  Sadness  that  he  had 
gone  Too  Far.  He  ran  into  the  Saw  Mill  of 
one  of  the  Fellows  who  had  signed  the  compact. 
It  was  3:15  p.  m.  Thursday  and  the  old  Mill 
was  buzzing  away  as  though  there  wasn't  an 
Agreement  within  17,000  miles.  I.  Sawyer 
Wood  stalked  up  to  the  Office,  but  it  had  little 
Effect  on  the  Sawmill  man,  although  I.  Sawyer 
Wood  is  not  such  a  Bum  Stalker  at  that.  The 
Mill  Man  explanationed  why  he  had  broken  the 
Compact.  His  Wife's  Folks  had  just  come  to 
Spend  the  Winter  and  he  needed  the  Money. 

Our  Hero  now  decided  that  it  was  up  to  him 
to  do  a  little  more  Hawkshaw  business.  At  the 
fatal  17  minutes  of  the  next  fatal  Thursday  he 
found  another  Mill  Chewing  away  like  a  stenog- 
rapher with  the  Pepsin  habit.  This  man  ex- 


28  EESAWED   FABLES 

plained  that  he  was  afraid  if  he  shut  down  for 
17  minutes  once  a  Week  the  steam  would  Chill 
and  give  the  boilers  Pneumonia. 

The  next  Offender  I.  Sawyer  discovered  said 
he  was  compelled  to  run  in  order  to  get  Saw- 
dust to  burn  to  make  more  Sawdust  to  Burn  to 
make  more  Sawdust. 

The  worst  was  yet  to  come.  At  last  I.  Saw- 
yer stumbled  on  a  man  who  was  running  Over- 
time in  order  to  stock  up  for  the  Rise.  The 
Man  had  been  the  Main  Spieler  of  the  Bunch 
that  Eaved  about  the  Absent  Four. 

Moral — Look  out  for  the  man  who  worries 
about  the  good  Faith  of  the  Other  Fellow. 


Of  the  Moving  of  Lumber  in 
Kansas 

A  Lawsuit  is  something  which  catches  a  Man 
when  he's  down  and  finishes  up  the  Job.  Sliver- 
son  Notts,  who  operated  a  Retail  Lumber  Yard 
in  Cornville,  Kan.,  feared  a  Lawsuit  like  a 
Hypocrite  fears  the  Truth.  Sliverson  Notts 
was  up  against  it  Good  and  Proper.  Things 
hadn't  been  breaking  his  Way  for  some  Months 
and  in  Endeavoring  to  Tide  over  the  financial 
Cyclone  Sliverson  Notts  had  been  distributing 


EESAWED   FABLES  29 

his  Paper  over  his  Part  of  Kansas  like  the 
Opposition  Car  of  a  Circus.  He  had  been  cir- 
culating his  Autograph  in  Kansas  like  a  New 
Member  of  the  United  States  Senate  in  Wash- 
ington after  his  Maiden  Speech. 

The  Fox  chased  by  Hounds  is  All  Right  as 
long  as  the  Hounds  come  at  him  One  at  a  Time 
and  don't  all  Jump  on  him  at  Once.  That  is  the 
Way  it  was  with  Sliverson  Notts,  of  Kansas.  So 
long  as  the  Men  who  Held  his  Autograph  came 
at  him  One  at  a  Time  he  was  Safe;  but  he  feared 
the  Eesult  if  one  of  them  should  bring  Suit  and 
Fetch  the  Whole  Pack  down  on  him  together. 
He  realized  that  an  Era  of  simultaneous  Collec- 
tions would  put  the  Sliverson  Notts  Lumber 
Company  very  much  to  the  Bad. 

Things  were  Coming  a  little  better  for  Sliver- 
son Notts  when  one  Day  he  got  Wind  that  some 
Blamed  Fool  had  begun  to  Get  Worried  about 
his  Money  and  had  begun  Suit  against  him. 
The  B.  F.  knew  it  would  Bust  Sliverson  Notts 
up  in  Business  but  figured  he  would  be  in  on  the 
Ground  Floor  when  the  Crash  came,  anyway. 
As  for  Sliverson  Notts,  he  knew  that  Creditors 
would  be  Camped  around  his  Lumber  Yard  in 
the  Morning  like  Believers  at  a  Free  Methodist 
Camp  Meeting.  If  the  B.  F.  had  only  left  him 
Alone  a  Week  or  so  longer  he  would  have  come 
out  of  it  All  Right. 


30  EESAWED   FABLES 

Sliverson  Notts  was  informed  by  an  Obliging 
Friend,  who  Ean  up  to  Tell  him  so  as  to  see 
how  he  Took  it,  that  the  Papers  had  been  drawn 
up  that  Afternoon  and  the  Attachment  on  the 
Lumber  would  be  Served  in  the  Morning  along 
with  his  Grape-Nuts.  He  went  to  Bed  that 
Night  feeling  like  a  Man  who  is  going  to  do  a 
Dancing  Specialty  on  the  Sheriff's  Elevated 
Platform.  He  Knew  it  was  useless  Battling 
against  the  inevitable — which  is  another  Name 
for  a  Kansas  Sheriff. 

That  Night  the  wind  soughed  Dismally  about 
the  House,  like  a  Hired  Girl  with  the  Tooth- 
ache. In  the  Morning  Sliverson  Notts  arose 
and  Wandered  down  to  take  a  Farewell  Look 
at  his  Lumber  Yard.  When  he  reached  the 
Spot  he  Eubbed  his  Eyes  with  Amazement  and 
a  Bandana  Handkerchief.  The  Spot  was  there 
All  Eight  but  the  Lumber  Yard,  where  was  It? 

There  were  a  few  Plank  scattered  about  and 
these  Scattered  Plank  led  off  in  a  Southeasterly 
Direction.  Sliverson  Notts  followed  the  Trail. 
He  tramped  all  Day  and  at  Nightfall,  twenty- 
seven  miles  from  Home,  he  came  upon  his  Lum- 
ber Yard  slightly  disheveled  but  laid  out  just 
as  it  had  been  Laid  Out  back  in  Kansas.  Now 
it  was  in  Texas,  thanks  to  a  Zephyr  which  had 
Picked  it  up  during  the  Night. 

Business   was  Pretty  Good  in  Texas   and 


EESAWED   FABLES  31 

Sliverson  Notts  was  soon  rather  Glad  he  Moved. 
After  some  months  of  Prosperity,  one  Day  he 
journeyed  Back  to  Kansas.  The  Inevitable 
Sheriff  met  him  with  a  Glad  Hand  and  a  Body 
Attachment.  But  Sliverson  Notts  drew  himself 
up  Proudly.  " Stand  Back,"  he  said,  "I've  got 
coin  enough  to  pay  'em  all.  I  knew  I  could  do 
it  if  they  Gave  me  Time." 

"When  you  Going  to  move  Back?"  asked  the 
Inevitable. 

"You  can  .Search  Me,"  replied  Sliverson 
Notts.  "I'm  liable  to  come  Back  almost  Any 
Old  Time." 

Moral — It's  an  HI  Wind  that  Blows  Nobody 
Good. 


Of  Combining  Brains  and  Capital 

There  were  once  two  Comrades  who  grew  up 
Side  by  Each,  sharing  each  Other's  Sorrows 
and  sharing  each  Other's  Toys.  At  School  they 
fought  for  and  with  each  other,  loved  the  same 
Girl  and  used  the  same  Brand  of  Gum.  The 
Girl  was  freckled  and  had  a  pimple  on  the  Lee 
side  of  her  Nose.  She  was,  ye  Gods,  how  beau- 
tiful, and  she  was  the  only  Thing  that  ever 
came  between  them,  She  walked  Home  from 
School  that  Way. 


32  EESAWED   FABLES 

The  Comrades  used  to  lie  on  the  Eiver  Bank 
and  lie  about  what  they  intended  to  be  when 
they  grew  up.  Down  the  Stream  they  could 
hear  the  drowsy  Hum  of  the  Saw  Mill.  A  Saw 
Mill  always  has  a  drowsy  Hum  in  a  Book.  In 
Reality  a  good,  active  Saw  Mill  which  is  in  the 
Enjoyment  of  ordinary  Health  can  keep  a 
whole  Neighborhood  awake  if  it  is  running 
Nights.  But ' '  Drowsy  Hum ' '  .sounds  like  Harry 
Miller  and  so  it  goes  in  here  out  of  Compliment 
to  Harry. 

As  they  saw  the  Saw  Mill  and  heard  its 
drowsy  Hum  and  felt  the  Ground  Tremble 
when  a  big  Log  rolled  on  to  the  Log-deck  or 
the  Foreman  cussed  in  his  accustomed  Manner, 
they  were  fired  with  a  great  Ambition  to  own 
a  Saw  Mill  themselves.  Eventually  they  swore 
&  solemn  Oath  that,  Sinker  Swim,  Liver  Die, 
Survivor  Perish,  they  would  butt  into  the  Saw 
Mill  Business.  In  Time  they  forgot  the  freckle 
faced  Girl  with  the  Pimple  on  her  Jibstay  but 
they  never  surrendered  their  cherished  Ambi- 
tion to  get  into  the  Saw  Mill  Push. 

Dick  was  the  son  of  rich  but  honest  Parents 
and  when  he  got  older  and  began  to  know  less 
they  sent  him  to  College  where  he  won  such 
Success  he  was  made  a  regular  Halfback.  Jack 
also  went  to  the  Harvard  Brain  Factory  but  it 
was  only  by  Means  of  hard  Scraping  by  the  Old 


EESAWED   FABLES  33 

Man.  Jack,  in  consequence,  had  less  spending 
Money  and  more  Time  for  Study.  He  was  not 
posted  on  all  the  fast  Horses  and  Hounds  in  the 
Vicinity  but  he  became  somewhat  acquainted 
with  Caesar  and  Homer,  who  are  mighty  good 
Fellows  even  though  they  are  dead.  Both  boys 
were  graduated  with  Honors.  Jack  was  Vale- 
dictorian and  Dick  Captain  of  the  Team. 

After  they  had  Escaped  from  College  and 
were  again  at  Large  each  renewed  his  Deter- 
mination to  break  into  the  Saw  Mill  Business. 
Dick  had  a  Father  he  could  Draw  on.  The  only 
Thing  Jack  had  to  draw  on  was  a  Corncob  Pipe. 
The  two  hopeful  Lads  started  out  together  to 
seek  their  Fortunes  in  the  Saw  Mill  Business. 
Dick  got  hold  of  a  Tract  in  Roscommon  County, 
Michigan,  and  decided  to  cut  it.  He  offered 
Jack,  who  had  no  coin  with  which  to  buy  stand- 
ing Pine,  a  Job  as  Boss  of  the  Mill.  But  Jack 
demurred. 

"Dick,"  he  said,  "I  don't  know  any  more 
about  the  Saw  Mill  Business  than  you  do — and 
you  don't  know  a  Blamed  Thing.  I  don't  know 
an  Edger  from  an  Elevator — and  you  know  the 
Same.  I  think  it  is  up  to  us  to  assimilate  some 
Experience  and  I  refuse  to  assimilate  mine  at 
your  Expense.  I've  been  doing  that  with  your 
Cocktails  but  darned  if  I  will  with  your  Expe- 
rience." 


34  BESAWED   FABLES 

The  Reader  will  see  why  Jack  was  made  the 
Valedictorian  of  his  Class,  when  he  could  Orate 
like  that.  Dick  tried  to  prevail  upon  him  to 
change  his  Mind,  but  he  might  as  well  have 
talked  to  a  Woman.  Jack  told  him  there  were 
Men  driving  Dumpcarts  who  knew  more  about 
the  Business  than  he  did.  As  for  himself,  he 
was  going  to  try  it  Alone.  Thus  the  Comrades 
parted. 

Dick  Built  a  Mill.  He  had  to  depend  upon 
practical  Saw  Mill  Men  and  Father's  Bank  Ac- 
count a  good  deal.  Finally  he  got  the  Thing 
started  and  hired  a  Chap  to  run  it  and  send  him 
Monthly  Eeports.  Then  Dick  went  to  Detroit, 
joined  a  Couple  more  Clubs,  got  married  and 
did  a  number  of  other  reckless  Things.  He  had 
determined  to  settle  down  and  enjoy  Life  and 
the  Monthly  Eeports  from  his  Roscommon 
County  Saw  Mill. 

Jack  went  up  Country  a  short  Distance.  He 
had  three  hundred  and  fifty  Plunks  with  which 
to  go  out  into  the  World  and  make  a  Million. 
He  invested  his  Capital  in  a  portable  Saw  Mill 
and  began  custom  sawing  Railroad  Ties  for  the 
Grand  Rapids  &  Indiana  Railroad.  The  Mill 
was  a  Saw  Mill  in  the  fullest  Sense,  as  it  pos- 
sessed but  one  Saw.  It  was  operated  by  a 
threshing  Machine  Engine  blocked  'outside  the 
Mill.  One  Day  the  Farmer's  Boy  who  was 


EESAWED   FABLES  35 

first  and  last  Engineer  by  mistake  threw  the 
Traction  Attachment  on  and  the  Engine  pulled 
the  Saw  Mill  three  Hods  before  it  could  be 
stopped.  After  this  pleasant  Occurrence  Jack 
ran  the  Engine  himself. 

The  Eeports  Dick  received  down  at  Detroit 
were  not  always  encouraging.  He  decided  to 
change  Superintendents,  which  recalls  what 
Mr.  Lincoln  said  about  the  Wisdom  of  swapping 
Horses  when  crossing  a  Stream.  Things  went 
from  Bad  to  Worse  and  Dick  went  from  De- 
troit to  Roscommon  County.  He  finally  tried 
to  run  the  Mill  himself  and  he  proved  to  be  the 
Worst  that  had  tackled  the  Job  yet.  Down  in 
Detroit  he  had  learned  how  to  play  a  Whist 
Hand  to  Perfection  but  not  how  to  handle  a 
Saw  Mill  Gang  or  get  the  most  out  of  a  Mill. 

Up  at  the  Tie  Mill  Jack  was  having  a  real 
nice  Time.  He  never  knew  whether  he  would 
be  able  to  look  the  next  Pay  Day  in  the  Face 
or  not,  and  Something  was  always  busting 
around  the  Premises — in  fact,  Everything  from 
the  Circular  to  the  Proprietor's  Suspenders. 
Between  standing  off  Employees  and  Machinery 
Manufacturers  Jack  was  as  busy  as  a  Candidate 
in  a  Caucus. 

One  Day  down  in  Grand  Rapids  Jack  and 
Dick  bumped  into  each  other.  They  went  and 
enjoyed  a  Dinner — which  to  Jack  was  now  an 


36  EESAWED   FABLES 

infrequent  occurrence — and  Mutual  Confi- 
dences. The  next  Day  the  Tie  Mill  went  out  of 
Business,  Dick  went  back  to  Detroit  and  Jack 
found  himself  with  a  Bank  Account  and  a  fund 
of  Experience  to  draw  on.  It  is  Dick,  Jack  & 
Co.,  and  now  they  are  coining  Money. 

Moral — Many  a  man  with  Brains  hasn't 
Brains  Enough  not  to  Depend  on  Brains  Alone; 
Many  a  man  with  Money  hasn't  Money  Enough 
to  be  in  the  Saw  Mill  Business  unless  he  has 
Brains  Enough  to  Pay  Money  Enough  to  Get 
Brains  Enough  to  Help  him  Run  It. 


Of  the  Value  of  Directness 

The  Firm  of  Greene  &  Browne — which  was  not 
its  Eeal  Name  at  all,  but  is  used  merely  to  give 
Color  to  the  Story — decided  to  Plant  a  Saw  Mill 
in  a  Tract  of  Timber  on  the  Squahomish  Eiver. 
Steele  &  ReSette,  who  sell  Lumber  Manufactur- 
ing Machinery  in  Chicago,  and  the  Kerlin  Iron 
Works,  engaged  in  the  Same  Business  in  New 
York,  heard  about  it  almost  simultaneously.  Al- 
most simultaneously  Steele  &  ReSette,  of  Chi- 
cago, and  the  Kerlin  Iron  Works,  of  New  York, 
Wired  Two  Salesmen  as  Follows,  to- wit,  that  is 
to  Say: 


EESAWED   FABLES  37 

CHICAGO,  ILL.,  January  23, 1911. 
H.  H.  HAPP,  Portland,  Ore. 

See  Greene  &  Brown  immediately;  in  market  for  mill. 

STEELE  &  KESETTE. 


NEW  YORK,  N".  Y.,  January  23, 1911. 
GABRIEL  GITHAR,  Greenville,  Ga. 

Greene  &  Browne  want  to  Buy  a  Sawmill.     Get  there, 
Gabriel.  KERLIN  IRON  WORKS. 

Almost  simultaneously  upon  Receipt  of  these 
Telegrams  the  Two  Salesmen  Wired: 

PORTLAND,  ORE.,  January  23,  1911. 
GREENE  &  BROWNE  : 

Will  call  on  you  with  a  fine  line  of  Sawmills  January  25. 

H.  H.  HAPP. 


GREENVILLE,  GA.,  January  23,  1911. 
GREENE  &  BROWNE  : 

Don't  do  Anything  until  you  Hear  from  Me.  Sample  Saw- 
mill Gone  Forward  by  Express.  GABRIEL  GITHAR. 

Almost  simultaneously  H.  H.  Happ  and  Ga- 
briel Githar  reached  the  Office  of  Greene  & 
Browne,  January  26.  It  was  almost  simulta- 
neous, but  it  was  Happ  who  got  there  First. 
Happ  decided  to  place  his  Money  on  the  Greene 


38  EESAWED   FABLES 

and  was  soon  in  Greene's  Private  Office.  When 
Githar  arrived  he  also  decided  to  try  the  Greene, 
but  he  found  that  Handsome  Harry  already  had 
the  Head  of  the  Firm  cornered.  So  Githar  had 
to  be  content  with  Browne. 

Meanwhile  Happ  was  progressing  happily 
with  Greene  in  the  Private  Office.  He  told  him 
a  few  Funny  Stories,  made  him  smoke  a  Good 
Cigar,  and  Talked  to  him  about  the  Hardwood 
Outlook,  although  he  didn't  know  any  more 
about  Hardwoods  than  Michael  Angelo  did  about 
the  Price  of  Lath.  This  consumed  so  much  Time 
that  Greene  told  Happ  he  had  better  come 
around  at  3  p.  m.  if  he  wished  to  talk  Saw  Mill 
Machinery. 

Happ  went  away  very  well  satisfied  with  his 
Morning's  Work.  " Guess  I  stand  in  pretty  well 
with  the  Old  Man  now,"  he  said  to  Himself, 
Himself  being  the  only  Person  within  Hearing 
Distance  at  the  Time.  When  he  went  back  at 
3  p.  m.  Mr.  Greene  said: 

" Guess  we  won't  have  to  talk  that  Saw  Mill 
Machinery  Matter,  after  all.  I  kind  of  turned 
that  over  to  Browne,  and  he  closed  a  Deal 
this  Morning  with  Githar^  of  the  Kerlin  Iron 
Works." 

Moral — The  Man  who  is  up  to  Snuff  gets  down 
to  Business. 


EESAWED   FABLES  39 

Of   the   Straw   that    Dislocated   the 
Camel's  Vertebrae 

A  Bank  Cashier  whose  Health  had  become 
critical  in  the  eastern  Burg  in  which  he  handled 
the  Germ-infected  but  none  the  less  desirable 
Coin  of  the  Realm  decided  to  locate  under  the 
sunny  Skies  of  Colorado.  He  had  concluded 
that  a  Change  of  Scene  would  do  him  Good. 
The  Village  Doctor  told  him  so  and,  as  the  Vil- 
lage Doctor  was  also  the  President  of  the  Bank, 
the  Cashier  felt  constrained  to  take  his  Advice. 
He  took  not  only  the  Doctor's  Advice  but  $1,800 
that  the  Doctor  had  accumulated  giving  Advice 
to  other  Patients. 

When  the  Cashier  struck  Highfive  Gulch  with 
his  bad  Cough  and  the  Doctor's  Advice  and  his 
Eighteen  Hundred  done  up  in  a  small  grip  he 
was  one  of  the  tenderest  of  the  tender  among 
Tenderfeet.  He  had  been  reading  yellow-backed 
books  about  the  Wild  and  Hirsute  West  and 
when  he  stepped  off  the  Train  at  the  Depot  he 
expected  to  be  shot  on  his  first  Appearance  or 
on  the  Foot  or  Somewhere.  However,  no  one 
took  a  Crack  at  him,  and,  as  a  Matter  of  Fact, 
no  one  even  observed  him  get  off  the  Choo-Choo 
Cars. 


40  EESAWED   FABLES 

This  somewhat  Disappointed  the  Man  from 
the  effete  East,  and  he  went  over  to  Blur-Eyed 
Dick's  Trouble  Factory  and  filled  up  on  some 
Booze  that  was  warranted  to  kill  at  a  Hundred 
Yards.  Then  he  went  out  looking  for  Trouble 
and  he  found  it  Outside  waiting  for  him.  He 
met  a  Man  who  had  a  Temper  and  a  Gun  that 
were  both  Operated  with  a  Hair  Trigger. 

If  this  were  a  Piece  of  Fiction  instead  of  a 
Truthful  Tale  this  would  be  the  Place  for  the 
Moral  to  come  in.  As  a  Matter  of  Fact,  the 
Cow  Puncher  said,  " Hello,  Doughface,"  and 
the  Doughface  responded  in  an  even  more  com- 
plimentary Manner.  Then  both  began  to  shoot 
the  Shoots,  a  popular  Amusement  at  that 
Period  in  the  West.  In  a  Story  the  Cashier 
would  have  been  made  to  resemble  a  Sieve.  As 
a  Matter  of  Fact,  he  bored  a  Hole  in  the  GUI* 
Fighter  at  the  first  Crack  out  of  the  Box. 

In  the  eastern  Burg  from  which  the  Bank 
Cashier  had  recently  set  sail  one  can  not  shuffle 
off  some  Other  Mortal's  Coil  with  Impunity.  If 
you  puncture  Some  One's  Anatomy  back  there 
— or  in  front — there  is  often  apt  to  be  an  In- 
vestigation as  to  your  Provocation.  Having 
been  brought  up  in  this  Atmosphere,  the  Bank 
Cashier  knew  what  to  expect.  Two  Hours  later, 
when  a  Committee  of  the  Leading  Citizens  of 
Highfive  Gulch  bore  down  on  him,  each  with  a 


EESAWED   FABLES  41 

Gun  Barrel  looking  with  its  One  Eye  right  at 
the  Bank  Cashier,  the  latter  Gentleman  had  al- 
ready begun  to  wonder  what  particular  Tree 
they  would  select  for  him  to  ornament,  when 
the  Chairman  spoke.  On  behalf  of  the  Citizens 
of  Highfive  Gulch,  the  best  prospect  in  the 
Rockies,  he  wished  to  extend  to  the  Stranger 
the  sincere  Thanks  of  the  Community  for  his 
Efforts  in  the  Way  of  Public  Improvement 
which  had  removed  from  the  camp  the  Orneriest 
Cuss  that  ever  rode  into  the  town  on  a  stolen 
Bronc. 

This  Incident  encouraged  the  Tenderfoot  quite 
a  little,  and  the  next  Morning,  having  filled  up 
on  Eed-eye  again,  he  started  out  to  kill  time 
and  a  few  more  of  the  Inhabitants.  But  his 
Eeputation  had  got  abroad  and  the  People  were 
as  scary  as  Partridges.  The  new  Terror  wan- 
dered up  the  Gulch  without  finding  any  Trouble 
until  he  came  to  the  tall  Timber.  Then  an  Idea 
struck  him;  it  would  have  been  better  for  him 
if  it  had  been  a  Brick.  He  thought  of  a  Scheme 
to  start  some  Excitement.  Sure  enough  he  did. 

The  Bad  Man  from  the  east  gathered  together 
a  few  Handfuls  of  dry  Twigs  at  the  Edge  of  the 
Timber  and  set  them  afire.  Then  he  sat  down 
to  watch  the  Fun.  It  came  sooner  than  he  had 
expected.  As  the  Flames  ate  their  Way  into 
the  Forest  the  People  poured  up  from  the 


42  EESAWED   FABLES 

Gulch.  Every  Man  of  them  had  a  Bucket  in  his 
hand  save  one.    He  had  a  Rope. 

Moral — You   can   grow    a    Man    in    Twenty 
Years,  but  it  takes  a  Hundred  to  make  a  Tree. 


Of  the  Lumbermen's  Derby 

A  Colt  that  was  taken  out  of  a  Pasture  and 
put  into  Harness  for  the  First  Time  concluded 
it  was  up  to  him  to  Surprise  the  Sporting  Writ- 
ers with  a  New  Mark  on  a  Mile  Track.  He 
was  out  of  a  Stable  that  had  never  Worked  out 
any  2:05  Bosses,  but  had  produced  a  few  Trot- 
ters that  were  a  Good  Bet  in  the  Race  of  Life 
on  a  Cold  Day  and  a  Heavy  Track.  His  Sire 
was  a  grand  old  Mud  Horse  who  ran  Against 
Adversity  and  Panic  in  the  Great  1893  Handi- 
cap and  distanced  a  Field  of  Starters  that 
Looked  like  Sure  Winners  before  the  Official 
Handicapper,  Hard  ^imes,  Got  in  his  Work. 
But  this  New  Colt  with  the  Fancy  Training,  and 
the  Fine  Grooming  that  his  Father  had  not  been 
Lucky  enough  to  Enjoy,  decided  to  Set  a  Mark 
for  the  Family.  Give  him  a  Good  Track  and 
No  Breeze  and  he  knew  he  could  clip  Ten  Sec- 
onds off  the  Old  Man's  Time  and  make  him  look 
like  a  Selling  Plater. 


EESAWED   FABLES  43 

The  Owner  was  willing  to  give  the  Colt  a 
Chance,  so  he  Started  him  in  the  Lumbermen's 
Derby.  The  Entrance  Fee  was  about  $10,000, 
which  was  Cheerfully  Paid,  and  $5,000  more  was 
expended  for  a  Stable  at  one  of  the  Big  Tracks 
where  they  run  off  the  Lumbermen's  Derby,  no 
matter  what  the  Track  or  Weather.  There  was 
a  Bunch  of  Other  Entries,  including  Long  Expe- 
rience, Hard  Work,  Wise  Estimator  and  Other 
Horses  which  had  taken  a  Share  of  the  Purses 
every  Year  in  the  Lumbermen's  Derby.  The 
Colt  with  the  Fancy  Stable  and  the  Good  Back- 
ing was  sure  there  would  be  Nothing  to  it  when 
it  came  to  a  Race  with  these  Oldtime  Slow- 
coaches. 

They  got  away  in  a  Bunch  and  the  Colt  Sim- 
ply ran  away  from  the  Field  for  the  Eighth  and 
the  Quarter.  Then  Long  Experience  began  to 
Close  up  the  Gap  and  they  ran  Neck  and  Neck 
in  the  Stretch  Turn  with  Hard  Work  at  their 
Heels  on  the  Back  Stretch  running  easy,  and 
keeping  his  Wind  and  looking  like  a  Strong  Fin- 
isher to  Oldtimers  in  the  Stand. 

Then  Something  Happened.  The  Colt,  crowd- 
ed for  the  Pole  when  he  Expected  to  Canter  in, 
broke  and  went  up  in  the  Air  at  the  Turn,  and 
Hard  Work  was  by  him  in  a  Twinkling.  It  was 
now  a  Grand  Eace  between  Long  Experience 
and  Hard  Work,  with  Long  Experience  holding 


44  EESAWED   FABLES 

a  Good  Lead.  But  in  the  Stretch  Hard  Work 
showed  his  Going  Powers.  He  buckled  down 
and  Beat  Long  Experience  to  the  Wire  by  a 
Length,  while  Wise  Estimator  Captured  Third 
Money.  As  for  the  Colt,  he  got  the  Flag. 

Moral — In  the  Race  for  Commercial  Suprem- 
acy, Hard  Work  is  a  Better  Proposition  than  a 
Fancy  Hoss  with  a  Monogram  on  his  Blanket 
and  a  Green  Eider  up. 


Of  the  Lumberman  By  Proxy 

There  are  a  few  Chaps  in  this  Land  of  the 
Free  and  Home  of  the  Street  Car  Companies 
who  are  Lumbermen  by  Proxy.  They  are  Scat- 
tered around  the  Country  like  Men  at  a  Thurs- 
day night  Prayer  Meeting;  but  occasionally  the 
Traveling  Man  runs  into  them  and  detects  them 
Immediately.  He  may  not  have  enough  Detect- 
ive Ability  to  spot  Balls  in  a  Pool  Room,  but 
the  Traveling  Man  can  pick  out  the  Proxy  Lum- 
berman like  a  Colored  Poultry  Fancier  finding 
the  Fattest  Pullet  on  a  dark  and  stormy  Mght. 

The  Lumberman  by  Proxy,  however,  is  Dead- 
ly in  Earnest.  He  thinks  he  is  the  Eeal  Thing 
— free  from  Shake  and  as  Clear  as  a  legal  Deci- 
sion. He  imagines  he  is  Carrying  all  the  Brains 


BESAWED   FABLES  45 

of  the  Establishment  around  under  his  Fedora, 
when,  as  a  Matter  of  Fact,  they  are  Distributed 
around  More  or  Less  among  Other  People.  He 
doesn't  Know  that  there  are  a  Lot  of  Men  work- 
ing for  him  who  know  that  He  doesn't  know 
that  They  know  that  He  doesn't  know  a  lot  of 
things  that  They  know  that  He  doesn't  know. 

This  is  one  Type  of  the  Lumberman  by  Proxy. 
There  is  Another  Type  who  takes  himself  in 
Earnest,  but  who  considers  his  Opportunity 
even  more  Earnestly.  He  knows  that  there  are 
Men  in  his  employ  who  know  more  about  Skid- 
ding Logs  or  Scaling  Logs  or  Skinning  Prices 
than  he  does;  but  he  doesn't  overlook  the  Fact 
that  that  isn't  necessarily  all.  He  knows 
that  a  Ship  may  have  its  Rigging  full  of  good 
Sailors,  but  go  on  the  Rocks  unless  there  is  a 
good  Man  at  the  Wheel. 

Once  upon  a  Time  there  was  a  Lumberman  by 
Proxy  of  the  Latter  Class  who  had  good  Men 
to  boss  the  Jobs  that  he  couldn't  boss  himself. 
They  got  along  as  smoothly  as  a  Ladies'  Whist 
Club  for  a  considerable  Period  of  Time.  Then 
one  day  one  of  the  Men  got  Gay  and  jumped  his 
Job.  He  expected  to  see  the  Proxy  Lumberman 
go  fifty-seven  feet  into  the  air  and  explode  like 
a  Toy  Balloon;  but  the  Foxy  Proxy  Lumberman 
had  been  standing  by  All  the  Time;  and  the 
Man  who  jumped  found  that  the  Man  who  six 


46  EESAWED   FABLES 

Months  ago  knew  absolutely  Nothing  about  his 
Particular  Specialty  could  now  do  it  better  than 
the  Jumper  could  himself. 

About  two  More  jumped  and  then  felt  a  Good 
Deal  like  a  Yearling  Heifer  that  jumps  over  a 
Field  Fence  into  a  Road  Ditch  and  finds  it  can't 
get  back.  There  was  in  Each  Case  a  good  Man 
to  take  the  Place  of  Each  until  Some  One  Else 
could  be  found;  and  the  good  Man  in  Each  Case 
was  the  Boss. 

Moral — The  Less  a  Man  thinks  he  Knows,  the 
More  he  is  Likely  to  Learn. 


Of  Troubles 

A  Saw  Mill  Man  who  was  Trying  to  Do  Some 
Figuring  was  Annoyed  by  b.  (Key  to  this  Joke 
— Annoyed  by  a  Small  Bee/)  He  took  a  Soak 
at  It  when  It  Lit  on  his  Left  Ear  and  It  Trans- 
ferred Its  Attentions  to  His  Right.  It  Alighted 
on  his  Nose  and  was  Otherwise  Over-Familiar. 
Finally  it  Stuck  its  Proboscis  into  the  Back  of 
his  Neck  up  to  the  Hilt.  Then  the  Saw  Mill  Man 
Arose  and  Swore  Blue  Blazes. 

That  Same  Night  his  Mill  Burned  up  and  his 
Yard  Burned  Down  and  Ten  years  of  his  Life 
Went  up  in  smoke,  but  he  Didn't  Say  a  Word. 


EESAWED   FABLES  47 

Moral — It  is  the  Little  Troubles  that  Make 
Men  Cuss;  the  Big  Troubles  They  Rather  Ex- 
pect. 


Of  the  School  of  Experience 

A  Youth  who  had  Eead  in  his  Copy  Book  at 
the  District  School  that  Virtue  is  its  own  Ee- 
ward,  and  a  Few  other  Choice  Spencerian  Mot- 
toes, and  who  was  as  Independent  as  the  Stand- 
ard Oil  Company,  bearded  the  Old  Man  in  his 
Den  one  Balmy  November  Evening  and  Spoke 
thus,  that  is  to  Say: 

"Pa,  I  want  you  to  Send  me.  to  College." 

Now,  Pa  had  about  as  much  Experience  with 
Colleges  as  a  Zulu  has  had  shoveling  Snow,  and 
he  thinks  a  College  Education  is  about  as  Essen- 
tial as  a  Snow  Shovel  down  in  Sunny  Africah. 
The  Boy  knew  his  Parent's  Opinion  on  the  Sub- 
ject, and  what  to  Expect;  so  he  was  not  Disap- 
pointed when  Papa  Replied: 

"Back  to  Earth,  Sonny.  I'm  not  going  to 
make  a  college  Professor  out  of  you.  You'd  Bet- 
ter take  a  Couple  of  Years  off  to  See  the  World, 
and  then  come  Back  and  help  the  Old  Man  run 
this  Saw  Mill  Business." 

"Just  what  I  intend  to  Do,  Pa,  after  I've  had 
Proper  Preparation." 


49  RESAWED   FABLES 

" Proper  Preparation?  Don't  I  run  a  pretty 
good  Business?" 

"A  fine  Business." 

"Made  Some  Money,  haven't  I?" 

"I  believe  So." 

"Didn't  ever  hear  of  Me  being  Run  through 
one  of  these  Brain  Factories,  did  you?" 

"You  never  Attended  College,  I  believe." 

"Why  should  you,  when  I  Didn't?" 

"Because  I  can — and  you  Couldn't." 

"You  mean  you  have  a  Eich  Father  and  I 
didn't?" 

"Perhaps  that 'sit." 

"Well,  my  Boy,  I  don't  want  it  Said  I  ever 
denied  you  Anything.  When  you  was  a  Boy  you 
Wanted  a  Green  Apple  once.  I  knew  you  would 
Eegret  it,  but  I  knew  you  wouldn't  Believe 
me  if  I  told  you  so.  So  I  let  you  have  it  and 
sent  for  the  Doctor.  I  know  how  it  will  be.  In 
a  few  years  you'll  come  out  of  College  and  the 
Old  Man  will  have  to  Hustle  Around  to  make 
enough  to  keep  up  with  your  Swelled  Ideas." 

"No,  Father;  you  help  me  through  College, 
and  when  I  come  Out  I'll  Look  after  Myself." 

"Well,  you  can  go  to  College,  and  we'll  See." 

Four  years  and  the  Boy  came  out  of  School. 
He  hung  around  Home  a  Month  and  then  said 
he  was  going  out  into  the  World.  The  Old 
Man  determined  to  find  out  how  many  Pounds 


EESAWED   FABLES  49 

Weight  his  College  Education  and  his  Grit 
would  stand,  so  he  let  him  go  unmolested.  The 
Boy  had  spent  Four  Years  at  Civil  Engineering, 
Mathematics  and  Commercial  Practice.  But 
other  men  had  been  through  the  Same  Course 
and  were  Holding  the  Jobs.  He  started  by  Ap- 
plying for  a  position  as  Superintendent  of  Con- 
struction of  a  Railroad,  and  wound  up  by  tak- 
ing a  Job  wheeling  Lumber  in  Beech's  Lumber 
Yard.  " There '11  Come  a  Time  Some  Day," 
quoth  he.  "  You  can't  Keep  a  Good  Man  Down." 

Mr.  Beech's  Eight  Bower  was  a  Young  Man 
in  whom  he  Reposed  the  Utmost  Confidence  and 
the  Combination  of  his  Safe.  Unknown  to  Mr. 
Beech,  the  Right  Bower  was  engaged  in  a  Stu- 
dious and  More  or  Less  Successful  Attempt  to 
Euchre  him  out  of  Some  of  his  Visible  Assets. 
One  Day  the  Red-Lipped  Monster  of  Suspicion 
found  a  Way  into  Mr.  Beech's  Generous  Triple- 
Expansion  Heart.  He  decided  to  Investigate  the 
Books.  But  how  was  he  to  do  the  Deed?  He 
Might  be  Mistaken,  and  he  did  not  want  the 
Right  Bower  to  know.  To  employ  an  Account- 
ant would  at  once  excite  Suspicion  and  start  the 
Right  Bower  on  a  Trip  to  Niagara  Falls,  Ont. 

Wending  his  Way  through  the  Yard  One  Day 
without  any  Idea  where  he  would  wend  to,  he 
wended  into  a  Lumber  Shover  who  did  not  look 
the  Part.  He  engaged  him  in  Conversation. 


50  EESAWED   FABLES 

That  Night  he  and  the  Lumber  Shover  sat  up 
Late  at  the  Office.  So  did  Mrs  Beech  at  home, 
but  that  was  Merely  Incidental. 

Now,  the  Lumber  Shover  is  Eight  Bower.  To 
Mr.  Beech ?  Dear,  no! — to  the  Old  Man,  who 
had  to  Pay  him  a  Bigger  Salary  than  the  Big 
One  Beech  was  paying  him  to  Get  him. 

Moral — There  are  a  Lot  of  Men  who  would 
make  Good  Confidential  Clerks  who  are  Wheel- 
ing Lumber;  there  are  also  a  Number  of  Con- 
fidential Clerks  who  would  make  Passable 
Lumber  Shovers. 


Of  Patriotism 

Once  upon  a  Time  there  was  a  man  who  sought 
employment  in  a  Lumber  Yard.  He  didn't  really 
have  to  work,  but  he  preferred  Work  to  going 
without  Food.  The  Gentle  Public  hears  a  good 
Deal  about  Art  for  Art's  Sake  and  the  Love  of 
Labor,  but  if  the  truth  were  investigated  it 
would  be  found  that  the  Desire  for  three  good 
Meals  a  Day  is  responsible  for  most  of  the  great 
Songs  that  are  composed  and  the  great  literary 
Masterpieces  (see  herewith)  that  are  Written. 

It  was  perhaps  unfortunate  for  this  Man  that 
he  broke  into  the  Profession  of  Piling  Lumber 
just  before  July  4,  because  the  great  Natal  Day 


EESAWED   FABLES  51 

was  responsible  for  a  Ruction  the  First  Thing. 
And  a  Ruction  in  a  Lumber  Yard  is  not  always 
so  tame  an  affair.  This  particular  Lumber  Yard 
was  located  in  a  Town  that  was  as  full  of  patriot- 
ism as  the  Butter  at  a  Summer  Picnic  is  of  Bugs. 

When  July  4  precipitated  itself  upon  the  wait- 
ing World,  the  Lumber  Yard  shut  up  and  shut 
down.  If  any  one  had  mentioned  the  word 
"Work"  to  a  Lumber  Shover  that  day,  there 
would  have  been  Work  all  right,  but  it  would 
have  been  Work  for  the  Undertaker.  The  Lum- 
ber Shovers  were  going  to  celebrate,  and  in  Con- 
sequence there  was  considerable  doing  along 
Main  Street. 

About  4  p.  m.  some  one  noticed  that  the  Stran- 
ger was  not  Celebrating.  He  was  not  with  the 
Boys.  He  was  not  firing  any  Firecrackers.  It 
was  said  he  didn't  even  have  a  Flag  out.  This 
was  an  outrage.  So  a  delegation  of  Citizens 
went  up  to  his  House,  full  of  Indignation — most- 
ly Liquid. 

After  they  had  gently  remonstrated  with  the 
Stranger  by  tearing  down  a  few  rods  of  Fence 
and  breaking  a  few  Sash  Lights,  they  permitted 
him  to  say  a  Word. 

"You  see,  boys,"  he  said,  "I  ain't  shootin'  off 
many  Fireworks,  because  it  would  make  Mother 
feel  kind  of  bad.  It'd  make  her  think  more'n 
more  o'  the  days  when  all  the  Children  was 


52  EESAWED   FABLES 

Home  an'  we  used  to  have  such  Rip-Roarin'  Cel- 
ebrations on  the  old  Farm  down  in  Pennsylvany. 
Then  I  used  to  put  on  the  old  blue  Coat  that  I 
wore  through  the  Vicksburg  Campaign,  with  the 
medal  that  Sherman  got  for  me  himself.  But 
now  me  and  Mother  is  Alone.  Mary's  a  hospital 
Nurse.  Harry's  in  the  Philippines.  And  the 
Old  Flag  we  Wrapped  around  Jack  when  they 
brought  him  Back  from  Cuba — that's  why  there 
ain  't  no  Flag  out. ' ' 

Moral — Don't  judge  a  man's  Patriotism  by 
the  Amount  of  Fireworks  or  Oratory  he  shoots 
off. 


Of  Baseball  and  Business 

This  is  the  Time  of  year  when  a  Fellow  likes 
to  steal  away  from  a  Hot  Office  and  a  Noisy 
Mill  out  to  the  Cool  and  Peace  of  the  Baseball 
Grounds,  where  he  can  Recline  on  the  Uphol- 
stered Bleachers  and  yell  himself  Hoarse  in  the 
Face.  He  puts  off  his  Dignity  and  his  Collar  and 
Necktie  and  shouts  " Robber"  at  a  man  200  feet 
Away  that  he  wouldn't  stand  up  Three  Rounds 
with  if  the  Purse  were  $100,000,  Loser  take  all. 
It  is  Wonderful  how  Brave  and  Sassy  a  Man 
can  be  under  such  Circumstances.  There's  many 
a  Chap  who  couldn't  Lick  a  Stamp  who,  when  he 


EESAWED   FABLES  53 

gets  on  a  Ball  Ground,  is  entitled  to  the  Belt  as 
Champion  Long-Distance  Fighter  of  the  World. 

A  Man  can  not  go  Anywhere,  however,  with- 
out learning  Something,  unless  it  is  to  the  Senate 
Gallery.  He  can  always  pick  up  a  few  pointers 
that  are  useful  to  him  in  his  Business — if  he  has 
any  Business  Left  at  the  end  of  the  Season.  A 
man  can  learn  a  Lot  at  a  ball  Game,  particularly 
if  he  Bets  on  some  $8,000  pitcher. 

There  is  a  Eetail  Lumber  Dealer  in  Detroit 
who  Fans  like  a  Blower  System  when  the  Home 
Team  is  in  Town.  He  has  attended  every  Game 
the  home  team  has  played  this  season  and  a 
couple  of  other  Exhibitions  that  John  Shaw 
didn't  call  Games  at  all.  But  he  hasn't  been 
getting  all  he  Paid  for  at  the  Gate.  He  hasn't 
been  acquiring  those  Moral  Lessons  to  which 
Eef  erence  was  made  earlier  in  the  Chapter. 

This  Particular  Dealer  is  one  of  those  two- 
horsepower  Affairs  that  you  occasionally  see  in 
the  Business.  He  does  the  Work  all  Right,  but 
he  never  seems  to  break  any  Records.  He  is  one 
of  these  Worldlings  who  never  make  a  Failure 
— and  never  make  a  Success  big  enough  to  get 
their  Names  in  the  Paper.  Ordinarily  when  he 
goes  to  a  Ball  Game  he  sits  next  to  a  Fat  Man 
who  Fans  himself  with  a  Noon  Edition  and 
makes  Profane  Remarks  about  the  Weather  and 
the  Shortstop. 


54  EESAWED   FABLES 

The  other  Day,  however,  when  he  went  to  the 
Game,  Chance  set  him  down  next  to  a  Real  Live 
Philosopher,  without  Extra  Charge.  The  Phi- 
losopher had  been  a  Player  and  had  once  been 
in  a  Big  League  for  4  days,  11  hours  and  17  min- 
utes. He  had  Licked  up  Knowledge  on  the  Play- 
ers '  Bench,  which  is  the  only  Place  to  learn  Base- 
ball. There  are  a  lot  of  Promising  Once  Wases 
studying  the  Game  there  Now. 

The  Philosopher  was  full  of  Knowledge  and 
he  liked  to  work  it  off  on  the  Helpless  Bleach- 
erites  around  him.  He  got  his  Cue  when  the 
Visiting  Left  Fielder  let  a  Ground  Ball  through 
him  after  a  Hard  Run.  "Back  to  the  Sand 
Lot!"  yelled  a  man  Down  in  Front. 

"That's  the  Way,"  quoth  the  Philosopher. 
"It's  the  man  who  Goes  After  'em  that  Gits  the 
Merry  Knock,  while  the  Loafer  who  lets  'em  go 
by  for  Base  Hits  is  solid  with  the  Fans.  But 
notice  this:  The  Lads  who  play  Errorless  Ball 
never  last  long  in  Fast  Company.  It's  the  same 
in  the  Game  of  Life.  It's  the  lad  who  takes  a 
Chance  at  scooping  a  Line  Drive  or  makes  a 
Run  for  a  Pop-up  who  gets  the  Managers  Fight- 
ing for  him,  even  if  he  makes  an  Error  now  and 
then,  and  not  the  Man  with  the  Fancy  Fielding 
Average.  In  Life,  it's  the  Lad  who  makes  a 
Mistake  now  and  then,  and  makes  the  Things 


EESAWED   FABLES  55 

that  offset  Mistakes,  that  Dame  Fortune  keeps 
on  her  Claim  List." 

The  Dealer  began  to  wonder  if  he  had  been 
Loafing  on  Hard  Chances  because  he  feared  he 
might  get  his  Name  in  the  Error  Column.  He 
concluded  he  had.  So  he  wrote  down  in  his 
Mental  Notebook  this: 

Moral — A  Man  never  made  a  Home  Run  by 
waiting  for  a  Base  on  Balls. 


Of  the  Wisdom  of   Keeping 
Moving 

A  Person  from  the  wild  and  wooly  West,  who 
possessed  a  Chin  Whisker  that  reminded  all  who 
beheld  it  of  Hogan's  Goat  more  than  anything 
else,  hit  Chicago  one  Day  and  steered  up  to  a 
Place  where  they  sell  Saw  Mills  and  other  little 
Trinkets  like  that.  He  said  he  wanted  to  buy 
a  Saw  Mill  and  so  the  polite  Floorwalker  steered 
him  down  to  the  Saw  Mill  Counter,  otherwise 
the  Head  Salesman's  Desk.  The  H.  S.  asked 
him  just  what  kind  of  a  Saw  Mill  Outfit  he  was 
considering  the  advisability  of  purchasing  and 
the  Man  from  loway  reckoned  that  a  portable 
Saw  Mill  would  satisfy  his  Wants  about  as  well 
as  Anything. 


56  EESAWED   FABLES 

The  Head  Salesman  tried  to  persuade  him 
that  a  portable  Mill  was  n.g.,  but  that  if  he  de- 
sired to  purchase  a  Saw  Mill  Outfit  for  more 
or  less  permanent  location  he  could  sell  him  a 
line  of  Saw  Mill  Machinery  that  had  taken  three 
Gold  Medals  at  the  Swedeburg  (Neb.)  World's 
Fair.  Oh,  no,  the  Person  did  not  want  a  port- 
able Mill;  what  he  wanted  was  one  of  the  Cass 
Tyrne  Machine  Company's  regulation  Outfits. 

The  Person  from  loway  reckoned  he  knew 
what  he  wanted  and  remarked  that  he  didn't 
need  any  sawed-off  Sissy  to  tell  him  he  wanted 
Something  else  b'  Gosh,  nuther.  He  didn't  have 
the  ready  Money  to  pay  for  the  Mill,  he  knew 
that,  but  he  had  some  little  Cash  he  could  pay 
down  and  he  guessed  he  would  be  good  for  the 
Rest.  There  didn't  have  to  be  any  Red-Nosed 
Runt  behind  a  2x4  Desk  in  a  6x8  Office  to  indi- 
cate to  him  what  he  wanted,  b'  Gosh,  he  said. 
The  Head  Salesman  heard  his  remarks  and 
thought  that  would  retain  him  for  the  Space  of 
a  few  Moments.  He  did  venture  to  remark  that 
he  didn't  see  why  it  was  so  absolutely  necessary 
that  the  Saw  Mill  should  be  of  the  portable 
Pattern,  but  if  the  loway  Person  wanted  a  port- 
able a  portable  he  should  have. 

The  loway  Person  said  that  that  was  none  of 
the  Head  Salesman's  blamed  Business.  He  had 
come  to  Chicago  after  a  portable  Saw  Mill  and 


EESAWED   FABLES  57 

a  Portable  Saw  Mill  he  was  goin'  to  git.  Now, 
the  Cass  Tyrne  Machinery  Company  manufac- 
tures a  portable  Mill  that  is  a  Beaut.  It  is  so 
readily  transportable  that  there  is  a  Burglar 
Alarm  on  the  Mud  Drum  to  keep  Somebody 
from  carrying  it  away.  It  did  not  take  the 
Stubby  Head  Salesman  long  to  fit  that  loway 
Person  out  with  a  portable  Saw  Mill  when  once 
the  loway  Person  had  succeeded  in  impressing 
it  on  his  gigantic  Intellect  that  it  was  a  portable 
Mill  he  was  arter.  The  loway  Person  paid  his 
little  Deposit  and  gave  the  Cass  Tyrne  Machine 
Company  his  Note  for  the  Rest  at  six  Months. 

After  the  loway  Person  had  departed  the 
Head  Salesman  continued  to  wonder  why  it  was 
that  he  had  been  bound  and  determined  to  have 
a  portable  Mill.  After  the  Mill  was  shipped, 
however,  he  ceased  to  wonder,  because  he  had 
other  Things  to  wonder  at.  One  never  lacks  for 
Things  to  wonder  at  in  Chicago. 

He  had  quite  forgotten  the  Iowa  Person  when 
one  Day  the  Secretary  and  Treasurer  and  Head 
Bookkeeper  of  the  Cass  Tyrne  Machine  Com- 
pany approached  his  Cell  and  asked  if  he  remem- 
bered selling  a  Party  out  in  Iowa  a  portable  Saw 
Mill  at  six  months.  The  Head  Salesman  did. 
The  Sec.  and  Treas.  informed  him  that  seven 
months  had  now  flown  on  the  wings  of  Time  and 
the  loway  Person's  Note  was  still  unpaid. 


58  KESAWED   FABLES 

Tempus  fugit  and  seemed  likely  to  continue  to 
fugit,  but  the  Coin  came  not.  A  Bank  out  that 
way  had  returned  the  Note  with  thanks. 

The  Head  Salesman  had  to  make  a  Trip  out  to 
Decorah  anyway  and  he  said  he  would  make  a 
Side  Trip  and  jar  the  Iowa  Person  up  a  little. 
A  Week  later  he  was  driving  across  Country  to 
where  they  said  the  loway  Person  had  his  Mill, 
or  rather  the  Cass  Tyrne  Machine  Company's 
mill.  As  he  drove  along  he  found  that  pretty 
nearly  Everybody  in  that  Part  of  Iowa  knew 
the  loway  Person.  He  was  famous.  He  was 
celebrated.  If  there  was  Anybody  in  that  Sec- 
tion of  the  State  that  the  loway  Person  didn't 
owe,  it  was  because  he  lived  on  a  side  Road  and 
out  of  the  Path  of  Civilization. 

The  loway  Person,  when  found,  did  not  seem 
in  a  Position  or  Mood  to  Hurry  to  pay.  The 
Head  Salesman  thought  he  would  see  if  he 
could  infuse  a  little  Enthusiasm  into  him  on  that 
Subject.  He  went  and  saw  a  Lawyer  and  gave 
him  a  Retainer — which  the  Lawyer,  needless 
to  say,  Retained — and  armed  the  Sheriff  with 
enough  Legal  Documents  to  paper  the  Interior 
of  the  Auditorium.  He  had  discovered  that  the 
Timber  belonged  to  another  Party  and  that  the 
Iowa  Person  was  sawing  by  Contract  and  keep- 
ing his  Account  with  his  Customer  pretty  well 


EESAWED   FABLES  59 

overdrawn  all  the  time.  There  were  some  other 
Things  that  he  did  not  discover  until  later. 

The  Head  Salesman  said  he  would  make  one 
more  Effort  and  told  the  Sheriff  to  come  out 
there  Saturday  Morning  and  do  his  Duty.  The 
Head  Salesman  went  out  himself  Friday  p.m. 
He  Told  the  Iowa  Person  if  he  didn't  produce 
before  Nightfall  he  would  attach  the  whole 
Works.  He  Sat  up  until  11:37  that  Night  wait- 
ing for  the  Dough  that  never  came.  Then  he 
went  to  Bed  and  awaited  the  Coming  of  the 
Sheriff. 

They  drove  out  to  the  Place  together.  The 
Portable  Saw  Mill  had  been  moved  a  hundred 
Feet  during  the  Night.  "Do  Your  Duty,"  said 
the  Head  Salesman.  "Can't,"  said  the  Sheriff. 
"Why  Not?"  asked  the  Head  Salesman.  "This 
is  the  State  Line  there  and  that  Saw  Mill  is  now 
in  Minnesota."  Then  the  Head  Salesman  knew 
why  the  loway  Person  wanted  a  Portable  Mill. 

The  Sheriff  and  the  Head  Salesman  drove 
back  to  Town.  "What  are  you  going  to  do?" 
asked  one  of  the  Leading  Citizens,  who  was 
leading  a  Mule  at  the  Time.  "Go  over  into 
Minnesota  and  start  Proceedings  over  there." 
"Don't  you  do  it,"  said  the  Leading  Citizen, 
"Please  Don't  Do  It;  he  might  move  back.  You 
leave  these  Papers  with  our  Sheriff  and  we'll 
make  up  a  Purse  and  pay  you  for  your  Mill." 


60  EESAWED   FABLES 

Moral — The  World  admires  Energy;  the  Man 
who  keeps  Moving  often  finds  People  willing 
and  anxious  to  help  him  along. 


Of  Talking  Out  in  Meeting 

In  a  City  of  about  202,718  Population,  or 
possibly  202,719,  there  was  a  man  who  made 
Something  of  a  Success  of  the  Wholesale  Lum- 
ber Business.  In  Consequence  he  had  his  Pic- 
ture printed  in  a  Book  containing  the  Bitter 
Past  of  the  Main  People  of  Minnesota,  and  his 
Name  had  been  mentioned  in  connection  with 
Congress,  although  never  when  Congress  was 
Around.  His  Beginning  was  comparatively 
Humble.  When  he  started  in  his  Equipment 
consisted  of  a  Rolltop  Desk,  a  Stenographer, 
who  was  willing  to  wait  for  her  Money  as  long  as 
she  could  tell  her  Friends  she  had  a  Job,  and  an 
Office  up  a  back  Stairway  in  a  Building  on  a 
back  Street  that  was  called  an  Office  Building 
because  it  was  never  heated  in  Winter.  His 
Capital  amounted  to  $857.39  and  a  Faculty  for 
hypnotizing  Mill  Men  into  believing  that  he  was 
one  of  the  largest  Operators  in  Minnesota.  As 
he  weighed  around  239  there  may  have  been 


EESAWED   FABLES  61 

some  Truth  in  this.  Most  Lumbermen  are  too 
busy  getting  wealthy  to  take  the  Time  to  get  fat. 

Fortune  smiled  on  this  Man  like  a  Soubrette 
and  ere  many  Years  he  had  built  up  a  Wholesale 
Business  and  a  row  of  Correspondence  Files  that 
were  the  Envy  of  every  Man  who  dropped 
around  his  Way  who  was  suffering  with  a  Desire 
to  butt  into  the  Wholesale  Lumber  Trade.  It 
could  not  be  expected  that  the  People  who  Got 
Next  to  his  Prosperity  were  going  to  Let 
his  Business  get  stale  because  of  a  Lack  of 
Competition. 

One  Day  a  Gazaboo  with  a  Suit  of  Soprano 
Clothes  and  a  Shrill  Necktie  wandered  into  his 
Place  and  told  him  he  wanted  to  write  the 
Wholesaler  up  for  a  Book  entitled:  "How  the 
Well-Bred  People  Made  Their  Dough."  He 
acquired  some  Minute  Details  on  the  Method  by 
which  the  Wholesaler  had  got  his  Start  and  how 
he  had  been  able  to  keep  up  the  Pace.  These 
things  he  wrote  down  in  a  Red  Morocco  Note 
Book  just  like  a  regular  Literary  Man  wouldn't. 

In  about  a  Fortnight  the  Guy  with  the  Red 
Morocco  Notebook  and  the  Vociferous  Necktie 
blossomed  out  with  a  Rival  Wholesale  Lumber 
Business  that  was  going  to  sweep  the  Other 
Fellow  off  the  Earth.  He  began  cutting  into 
the  Other  Fellow's  Trade,  or  at  least  making  a 
Noble  Stab  at  it.  About  a  Week  Later  he 


62  EESAWED   FABLES 

thought  it  would  be  a  Good  Idea  to  send  an 
Emissary  around  to  see  how  the  Other  Fellow 
was  Taking  it.  There  is  always  Somebody 
standing  around  willing  to  do  a  Job  of  this 
Kind,  and  that  is  what  makes  Good  People  lone- 
some. The  Trusted  Emissary  happened  around 
to  the  Other  Fellow's  Yard  one  Day.  That  is 
the  Way  he  explained  it. 

"I  just  Happened  around,"  said  the  Emissary 
to  the  Wholesale  Man. 

"A  Man  can  never  Tell,"  replied  the  Whole- 
sale Man,  "what  is  Going  to  Happen." 

This  reply  staggered  Humanity,  at  least  that 
Part  of  it  represented  by  the  Trusted  Emissary. 
However,  he  and  the  Wholesale  Man  were  soon 
on  quite  Friendly  Terms.  Finally  the  Trusted 
Emissary  hitched  his  Chair  up  to  the  Confiden- 
tial distance  of  2  feet  and  3  inches  and,  lowering 
his  Voice  about  the  Same  Distance,  inquired: 

"Now,  between  You  and  Me — it  won't  go  any 
Further — what's  your  Opinion  of  this  New 
Wholesaler  and  what  are  his  Chances  of 
Success?" 

"I'll  tell  you,"  said  the  Wholesaler,  "and  you 
needn't  make  any  Secret  of  it — You  can  go  tell 
Him  if  you  want  to.  I  don't  think  his  Chances 
are  very  Good.  I  know  he's  a  crook  and  I  know 
he's  a  Liar." 

This  Surprised  the  Trusted  Emissary  Some- 


EESAWED   FABLES  63 

what  by  its  Bluntness;  but  not  so  much  as  the 
Reply  of  the  New  Wholesale  Man  when  it  was 
conveyed  to  him. 

"Well,"  quoth  that  Worthy  Gentleman,  "I 
guess  I'll  have  to  Bunch  it.  If  he  had  Lied 
about  me  behind  my  Back  I  would  have  Stood 
some  Show;  but  darn  the  Man  who  Talks  Right 
out  in  Meeting." 

Moral — Nothing  is  so  Inexplicable  to  a  Liar  as 
the  Truth. 


Of  Getting   an  Audience 

A  man  who  showed  no  other  Symptoms  of 
Insanity  once  became  inoculated  with  the  Idea 
that  he  would  be  a  Big  Hit  on  the  Lecture  Plat- 
formt  He  thought  he  could  make  Burton 
Holmes  and  Richmond  Pearson  Hobson  and 
Jasper  E.  Brady  look  like  a  lot  of  Jayhawkers 
from  the  Tall  and  Uncut.  He  dreamed  Visions 
of  one  night  Stands  and  packed  Houses  and 
palatial  Hotels  and  long  stenographic  Reports 
in  the  Newspapers,  accompanied  by  Halftones. 
He  believed  he  had  it  in  him  to  move  vast  Con- 
courses, to  move  the  Young,  the  Old,  the  Senti- 
mental, the  Prosaic — in  fact,  to  do  a  general 
Moving  Business.  He  believed  he  could  make 


64  EESAWED   FABLES 

Demosthenes  go  'way  back,  and  cause  Bill  Bryan 
to  go  and  get  a  Rep. 

An  equally  irresponsible  Lecture  Bureau, 
whose  Ideals  were  so  high  they  occupied  the 
Back  Room  of  the  Top  Floor  of  a  Minneapolis 
Skyscraper,  booked  the  Lecturer  for  a  Tour 
around  the  Country,  agreeing  to  give  him  40 
percent  of  the  Gross  and  taking  20  itself.  Then 
the  Orator  went  home  and  wrote  a  Few  Lectures 
so  as  to  have  a  Rip-or-tore.  After  February  1 
he  turned  himself  loose  on  the  Startled  World. 
In  the  Days  of  the  Ancients,  when  the  Banks  of 
the  Nile  were  Pharaoh  Banks  and  the  Panama 
Canal  had  just  been  started,  there  were  Sooth- 
sayers who  used  to  make  as  much  as  $13.75  a 
week  interpreting  Dreams.  They  could  take  a 
Hungarian  Goulash  or  Welsh  Rarebit  Dream 
and  interpret  it  into  fairly  readable  English. 
In  this  modern  Day  the  Great  Dream  interpreter 
is  Experience. 

The  Lecturer  had  not  been  long  En  Tour  be- 
fore cold,  hard  Experience  began  to  interpret  his 
Dreams  of  packed  Houses,  palatial  Hotels  etc. 
He  found  an  Audience  was  as  hard  to  get  at 
Oshkosh  as  at  the  Court  of  St.  James.  The  Spec- 
tators used  to  take  Pity  on  him  and  come  down 
and  sit  in  one  Row  so  as  to  keep  him  Company. 
For  two  Weeks  he  had  a  Lonesome  Time,  never 
seeing  a  Human  Face.  He  saw  nothing  but 


EESAWED   FABLES  65 

Hotel  Clerks  and  Stage  Hands.  The  Hotels  were 
palatial  all  right;  but  the  Palace  they  resembled 
was  the  old  Montreal  Ice  Palace.  Only  one 
newspaper  had  the  Nerve  to  print  his  Cut  and 
that  was  what  Shakespeare  called  "the  most 
unkindest  Cut  of  All."  Shakespeare  may  have 
been  grammatically  Bum  when  he  penned  that 
Line  but  his  prophetic  Soul  sized  up  the 
American  Cartoonist  Centuries  before  John 
McCutcheon  was  born.  Thanks  to  a  Combina- 
tion of  Cheap  Print  and  summer  Ink,  this  Cut 
of  the  Lecturer  indicated  he  had  just  broken  out 
with  the  Measles  or  from  Jail 

Fortunately  for  the  Lecturer,  he  had  a  Friend 
in  the  Eetail  Lumber  Business  up  in  the  Twin 
Cities  and  he  sent  him  enough  Money  to  get 
Home  to  the  Wheat  State.  These  two  Men  had 
a  Way  of  talking  to  each  Other  as  plain  as  Print 
in  a  Primer. 

"I've  been  watching  your  Mad  Career,"  said 
the  Lumberman,  after  they  had  gripped,  "and 
I'll  tell  you  what  was  the  Matter  with  your 
Lectures.  It  wasn't  because  you  wern't  elo- 
quent, for  you  were;  it  wasn't  because  your  Shirt 
Front  wouldn't  keep  Inside  your  low-necked 
Vest,  for  it  did.  The  Trouble  was  this:  You 
lectured  to  the  Wrong  People.  When  you  spoke 
at  the  Banquet  of  the  Captains  of  Industry  it 
was  on  *  Living  on  Ten  Dollars  a  Week.'  To  the 


66  KESAWED   FABLES 

Ladies'  Bridge  Club  you  Talked  on  'The  Art  of 
Bread  Making.'  You  never  had  an  Audience 
that  was  likely  to  be  Interested  in  what  you 
talked  About." 

The  Lecturer  had  Picked  up  a  Paper. 

" How's  Business?"  he  asked. 

"None  too  good,"  replied  the  Lumberman. 

"Why  don't  you  Advertise?" 

"I  do;  but  it  doesn't  seem  to  do  any  Good." 

"Want  to  Know  Why?" 

"Don't  I  spend  Enough?" 

"Too  much;  but  you  don't  reach  the  Right 
People.  Here's  your  Ad  in  a  Paper  that  Don't 
Reach  Anybody  but  Women  looking  for  Millin- 
ery Bargains.  Why  don't  you  Advertise  in  some 
Paper  that  hits  the  Folks  who  Build  Houses? 
Seems  to  Me  that  other  People  have  been  Talk- 
ing to  the  Wrong  Audience." 

This  fable  has  both  a  Moral  and  a  Sequel.  The 
Sequel  is  that  the  Lumber  Dealer  is  doing  one 
of  the  nicest  Businesses  done  in  Minnesota  and 
the  Lecturer  is  making  Money  as  his  and  other 
Men's  Advertising  Specialist.  The  following  is 
the 

Moral — Advertising  is  like  a  Seance;  you 
can't  materialize  the  Right  Spirit  with  the 
Wrong  Medium. 


RESAWED   FABLES  67 

Of  Taking  a  Few  Days  Off 

Once  upon  a  Time  there  was  a  Mill  Man  who 
was  so  busy  that  he  used  to  Yearn  for  a  Leap 
Year  so  that  he  could  get  in  an  extra  Day's 
Work.  He  was  as  busy  as  a  Man  from  Straw- 
berry Point,  Iowa,  dodging  street  Cars  and  Gold 
Brick  Retailers  on  State  street  or  a  Coal  Baron 
making  Excuses  at  the  Pearly  Gates.  Old  Rand 
McNally,  whom  we  read  about  in  Mythology  as 
being  the  Chap  who  carried  the  World  around 
on  his  Shoulders,  had  a  Cinch  when  considered 
beside  this  Busy  Individual,  who  toted  around 
a  Saw  Mill  and  a  few  Office  Fixtures,  a  hundred 
thousand  acres  of  pine  Land  and  a  Bad  Diges- 
tion. This  Mill  Man  was  so  busy  that  when  he 
ate  he  shoveled  his  Grub  in  like  a  Man  feeding 
Cedar  Sawdust  to  a  Furnace.  His  Wife  had  to 
use  Force  to  get  him  to  eat  Breakfast  and  at 
Noon  he  lunched  on  Mince  Pie  and  Buttermilk, 
washed  down  with  Coffee  as  strong  as  a  Rag- 
time Singer  at  a  Stag  Party.  He  dined  on 
Roast  Beef  served  with  Walnut  Quotations  and 
Turnip  Salad,  garnished  with  the  Poplar 
Outlook. 

When  Christmas  Day  came  bumping  along 
this  Busy  Man  had  at  least  to  run  down  and 
open  his  Mail,  and  it  took  him  so  Long  he  had  to 


68  EESAWED   FABLES 

eat  a  Christmas  Dinner  made  up  of  Cold  Turkey 
and  wobbly  Cranberry  Jelly.  It  was  the  Same 
at  New  Year's.  When  Washington's  Birthday 
fell  on  Sunday  the  Industrious  Individual 
laughed  a  Fiendish  Laugh  because  that  meant  no 
Loss  of  Time.  Most  People  took  Monday  off  to 
make  up  for  it,  but  not  the  Busy  Boy.  This 
fateful  Monday  he  made  his  usual  Suicidal 
Lunch  and  that  Night  he  dreamed  a  Dream.  Do 
you  Wonder? 

He  Meandered  through  Dreamland  and  he  met 
a  Jolly  Little  Man. 

"Who  are  You?"  he  asked  of  the  Humorous 
Little  Personage. 

"I  am  Death." 

"But  I  thought  Death  a  Skeleton." 

"Once  I  was,  but  Busy  People  have  made  me 
Fat." 

"What  are  You  doing  with  the  Book  and 
Pen?" 

"I  am  taking  a  Few  Days  Off." 

"No,  you  are  working." 

"Oh,  they're  not  my  Days  I  am  taking  Off. 
They're  yours." 

"How's  that?" 

"Did  you  take  a  Day  Off  Christmas  Day?" 

"No." 

"New  Year's?" 

"N-no." 


EESAWED   FABLES  69 

"I  did." 

< ' What  do  you  Mean?" 

"  Every  time  you  have  failed  to  take  a  Day 
off  during  your  Life  I  have  taken  a  Few  Off  the 
End  of  your  Life." 

"Then  I'm  nothing  ahead?" 

"Nothing,  according  to  my  Bookkeeping — 
and  I'm  a  Pretty  Fair  Bookkeeper." 

Then  the  Busy  Man  woke  up. 

Moral — No  man  can  rob  Himself  and  not  be 
a  Loser. 


Of  the  Point  of  View 

There  lingered  in  Montana  some  Years  back 
a  Saw  Mill  Man  who  had  a  Backbone  like  a 
Piece  of  Spring  Steel.  Whenever  he  Took  a 
Position  he  held  on  to  it  like  a  Politician  fastens 
his  Hooks  into  a  Job.  Once  he  got  an  Idea 
wedged  into  his  Brain,  it  was  as  hard  to  get 
Out  as  the  Republican  Vote  on  a  Rainy  Day. 
Every  Idea  grows  more  or  less  after  it  gets  a 
start;  but  an  Idea  in  this  Man's  Think  Tank 
took  such  Root  that  it  couldn't  have  been 
combed  out  with  a  Stump  Puller. 

This  Man  had  put  $21,000  and  Ten  of  the  best 
Years  of  his  Life  into  this  Saw  Mill,  and  this  had 
given  him  the  crazy  Idea  he  Owned  it.  Foolish 


70  EESAWED   FABLES 

Man.  When  some  well-meaning  Individual  hap- 
pened around  and  offered  to  Show  this  Montana 
Saw  Mill  Man  how  to  run  his  Mill  the  Saw  Mill 
Man  told  him  to  Run  Along. 

He  was  about  the  Poorest  market  for  advice  in 
the  State.  Anybody  who  tried  to  Hypnotize  him 
would  have  to  Pull  Chloroform  and  a  Club  on 
him  to  do  it.  Every  time  he  told  an  Advisory 
Committee  to  go  chase  Itself  the  Town  called  it 
another  Sample  of  the  Saw  Mill  Man's  Obstinacy 
and  Stubbornness. 

One  day,  nevertheless,  they  elected  this  man 
Mayor  of  the  Town.  This  entitled  him  to  300 
Simoleons  a  Year  and  a  Pass  to  the  Local  Thea- 
ter. It  is  pretty  hard  for  a  Man  to  run  a  Saw 
Mill  and  a  Town  at  the  same  Time.  (The  Lum- 
bermen who  have  tried  it  will  Please  not 
"Amen"  so  Loudly.)  One  mellow  Spring  an 
Electric  -Railway  Company  got  the  Impression 
it  was  going  to  lay  a  Track  and  String  a  few 
Dozen  Wires  down  the  Street  without  giving  any 
Assurances  that  it  would  Observe  the  Rights  of 
the  Common  People.  When  it  couldn't  get  the 
Council's  Permission  it  got  Gay  and  began  lay- 
ing Rails  with  the  Enthusiasm  and  Cheerfulness 
of  a  Bridegroom  putting  down  his  first  Carpet. 
The  Mayor  tried  an  Injunction  first  and,  when 
that  didn't  work,  he  took  an  Ax.  The  local 
Paper  wrote  several  long  Columns  about  his 


EESAWED   FABLES  71 

" Fixedness  of  Purpose"  and  " Unyielding  De- 
termination "  and  People  slapped  him  on  the 
Back. 

Moral — Human  Virtues,  as  Judged  by  Human 
Minds,  are  largely  a  Question  of  the  Point  of 
View. 


Of  Letting  Loose 


This  is  the  Time  of  Year  when  a  Man  with  a 
thousand  Dollar  Salary  turns  himself  Loose  and 
spends  Coin  like  a  Millionaire  trying  to  Make 
Good  at  the  Press  Club.  The  Christmas  Feeling 
is  in  the  Air  and  the  Boulevards  of  every  Burg 
from  New  York,  N.  Y.,  to  Shillabah,  Ore.,  are 
congested  with  People  out  Buying  for  Other 
People  Things  that  the  other  People  don't  Want. 
It  is  a  Game  without  a  Limit  or  a  Thought  of 
Consequences.  A  Thrifty  young  Man  may  start 
out  with  a  Twenty  in  his  Clothes,  intending  to 
buy  his  Best  Girl  a  seventy-five  Cent  Purse,  and 
come  Home  owing  the  Jeweler  Money. 

For  Some  People  this  is  a  Good  Thing,  for,  if 
it  were  not  for  the  Merry  Christmas  Season, 
their  Poor  Relations  would  never  know  they 
were  Living.  Then  is  the  Time  they  Loosen; 
and  in  Consequence  the  Nephew  in  Central  Lake, 
Mich.,  or  the  Maiden  Aunt  in  Harveyville,  Kan., 


72  BESAWED   FABLES 

gets  Some  Ormolu  Truck,  and  the  Other  Mem- 
bers of  the  Family  are  likewise  Eemembered. 
Many  a  Man  would  Pass  in  his  Checks  from 
Contraction  of  the  Heart  were  it  not  that  he 
Passed  Out  his  Checks  to  his  Poor  Relations  at 
Christmas.  As  the  Lifer  Remarked  when  he 
shinned  down  a  Bedquilt,  it's  a  Good  Thing  for 
People  to  let  themselves  Out  once  in  a  while. 

Once  upon  a  Time  there  was  one  Crusty  old 
Bachelor  Tallyman — only  One.  Bachelors  in 
Stories  are  always  Old  and  always  Crusty — 
Crusty,  perhaps,  because  they  Partake  of  so 
much  indigestible  Boarding  House  Pie.  Any 
Man  who  has  ever  dragged  in  his  Trunk  and 
dragged  out  his  Existence  in  a  Boarding  House 
knows  that  there  is  Nothing  so  Durable  as  Piq,. 
Often  a  gray  haired  Old  Boarder  will  be  handed 
a  Piece  of  Pie  that  is  just  like  Mother  used  to 
make — so  much  so,  in  Fact,  that  he  is  Inclined 
to  believe  it  is  some  she  did  make,  though  the 
Good  Soul  has  been  gone  these  Forty  Years. 

Living  on  a  Diet  composed  largely  of  this 
Three-Ply  Pie  Crust,  the  Old  Bachelor  ap- 
proached Christmas  with  no  Thrill  of  Joy.  He 
saw  the  Advertisements  in  the  Newspapers,  the 
Decorations  in  the  Windows,  the  Increased  At- 
tendance in  the  Sunday  Schools,  and  Other  In- 
fallible Signs  of  the  Christmas  Season,  but  he 
said  he  wasn't  going  to  buy  Anything  for  Any- 


EESAWED   FABLES  73 

body  because  he  Knew  nobody  was  going  to  buy 
Anything  for  him.  Let  'em  have  their  Christ- 
mas and  he'd  have  his.  They  were  a  Pack  of 
Fools  anyhow  for  Blowing  in  their  Money  for  a 
Lot  of  Trash  that  would  do  Good  to  Nobody  but 
the  Man  who  sold  it  at  90  percent  Profit.  The 
Shysters  wouldn't  get  any  of  his  Money. 

It  was  soliloquizing  somewhat  in  this  Fashion 
that  he  Set  out  a  few  evenings  before  Christmas 
to  buy  himself  a  Cigar.  The  Snow  was  blowing 
around  like  a  second  Kate  Prize  Fighter  and  the 
Steam  was  freezing  on  the  Hateful  Windows 
with  their  Displays  of  Christmas  Trash.  Beat- 
ing his  Way  against  the  Wind  and  Turning  and 
Tacking  like  a  man  laying  a  Stair  Carpet,  in 
Front  of  a  Toy  Shop  he  fell  over  the  Small  Fig- 
ure of  a  Boy  crouched  on  the  Sidewalk.  He 
stumbled  into  a  recently  formed  Snow  Drift  and 
the  Fall  did  not  much  Improve  his  Temper. 

He  arose  and  Brushed  the  Snow  from  his 
Clothes.  Then  he  seized  the  Youngster  by  the 
Arm  and  inquired: 

"What  do  you  Mean  by  Getting  in  People's 
Way?  Come,  out  with  it!" 

"You  see,  Mister,"  said  the  boy,  beginning  to 
Weep,  "there's  a  fine  Soldier  in  the  Window 
there  and  ev'ry  Night  I  come  up  here  and  bid 
him  Goodbye.  I'm  Allus  afraid  Someone  may 
have  bought  him  and  carried  him  Away,  Well, 


74  KESAWED   FABLES 

Tonight  the  Window  was  all  Frosty  an'  I 
thought  if  I  held  my  Cheek  against  it  maybe  the 
Frost  would  Melt  so  I  could  see  if  he  was  There. 
An'  then  you  Fell  over  me.  So  I  don't  know 
whether  he's  There  or  not,  but  I  guess  he  is, 
'cause  I  guess  there  ain't  nobody  Likely  to  Buy 
him.  You  see  my  Sister  told  me  that  the  Store 
man  wanted  a  Dollar  for  him.  I'll  go  home  now, 
but  I  wish  I  could  say  Goodnight  to  the  Soldier 
before  I  go.  But  the  Window's  too  frosty." 

Then  a  Remarkable  Thing  happened  to  the 
Crusty  Old  Bachelor  Tallyman.  He  dragged  the 
Frightened  Boy  into  that  Toy  Store.  What  if 
the  Gay  Soldier  had  been  Sold?  The  more  he 
thought  about  it  the  More  he  hurried,  pulling 
the  Boy  off  his  Feet.  A  Clerk  came  up  and  asked 
him  if  he  was  being  Waited  on,  when  he  Knew 
Perfectly  well  he  Wasn  't.  The  Tallyman  didn  't 
know  how  to  ask  for  what  he  Wanted.  Then  an 
Idea  struck  him  and  he  held  the  Boy  up  so  he 
could  Look  into  the  Window. 

" There  he  is,"  cried  the  Boy  in  Glee.  " No- 
body ain't  Bought  him.  Goodnight,  Soldier. 
Now,  Mister,  I'll  go  Home." 

A  Minute  Later  the  Crusty  Old  Bachelor 
found  himself  throwing  his  Money  away  on  a 
Lot  of  Christmas  Trash.  First  of  all  was  the 
Soldier  and  then  some  Dolls  for  the  two  Little 


EESAWED  FABLES  75 

Sisters  the  Boy  said  he  had,  and  Candy  for  the 
Whole  Family. 

It  was  some  Time  before  the  Crusty  Old  Tally- 
man reached  the  Cigar  Store,  but  when  he  did  he 
bought  himself  a  Box.  He  hadn't  Felt  so  Well 
in  Ten  Years. 

Moral — A  Man  ought  to  be  Thankful  for  Little 
Children  if  for  no  Other  Reason  than  that  it  is  so 
Easy  to  make  them  Happy. 


Of  Swinging  Back 

Fame  is  one  of  the  queerest  Things  in  the 
World.  Men  have  shot  the  Whirlpool  Eapids 
or  their  Neighbors  in  Hopes  of  acquiring  it,  but 
Fame  has  Given  them  only  the  Icy  Stare;  but 
Small  Boys  have  waved  Bed  Flannel  Shirts  in 
Front  of  Trains  going  to  their  Doom,  or  Abilene, 
Kan.,  or  some  other  Place,  and  acquired  Fame 
without  Effort  or  Premeditation.  From  all  of 
which  it  must  not  necessarily  be  Drawn  that  a 
Red  Flannel  Shirt  is  better  than  Endeavor  in 
getting  Famous,  any  more  than  a  Four  Flush  is 
better  than  an  Ace  Full  just  because  it  gives 
Excuse  for  a  successful  Bluff  a  little  Less  Often 
than  Once  in  a  While. 

There  is  a  Lumber  Dealer  in  St.  Louis  who 


76  BESAWED   FABLES 

has  acquired  Fame  among  his  Brethren  all  at 
Once,  although  he  did  not  go  into  the  Highways 
and  Byways  and  look  for  it  or  walk  about  with  a 
Lightning  Rod  concealed  along  his  Spinal  Col- 
umn, hoping  it  would  strike  him.  That  kind  of 
Effort  never  seems  to  pay  any  Dividends.  The 
Writer  has  been  going  around  with  his  Light- 
ning Eod  up  for,  oh,  these  Many  Years,  but  when 
he  buys  a  Meal  Ticket  at  the  Bismarck  the  Girl 
still  asks  him  how  he  Spells  his  name.  Fame  is 
about  as  Skittish  as  a  Three- Year-Old,  and  about 
as  apt  to  run  away  after  you  think  you  have  it 
safely  Broken  to  Harness. 

This  St.  Louis  wholesaler  is  not  One  of  the 
5,799  St.  Louisians  who  first  conceived  the  Idea 
of  a  Louisiana  Purchase  Exposition.  Neither 
did  he  ever  wave  any  Eed  Flannel  Shirts  in 
Front  of  any  Cattle  Trains.  Fame  came  to  him 
like  a  Summer  Sigh.  He  did  not  go  out  looking 
for  Fame;  instead,  when  he  went  forth  Fame 
appeared  to  be  looking  for  him,  like  a  Loose 
Sign  over  a  Doorway  that  never  lets  go  until  it 
can  Soak  on  the  Head  someone  who  is  Passing 
Out. 

A  few  Days  after  New  Year's  there  was  a 
Sound  in  St.  Louis  like  the  Popping  of  ten  mil- 
lion Firecrackers.  The  noise  was  produced  by 
People  all  over  St.  Louis  who  were  Breaking 
Eesolutions.  It  was  a  gay  yet  mournful  Sound 


EESAWED   FABLES  77 

to  hear  Resolutions  that  in  December  looked  so 
Strong  and  Healthy,  breaking  down  like  an 
Aunt  at  a  Wedding,  the  first  week  in  January. 
It  was  in  such  a  Night,  as  Shakespeare  would 
have  said  if  he  had  written  this,  that  the  Lum- 
berman went  forth. 

It  was  the  Hotel  Clerk  who  said  it. 

"Have  you  seen  'em?"  he  asked. 

"Who?"  asked  the  Lumberman,  meaning 
whom. 

"The  Bunch,"  answered  the  Man  with  the  Pen 
on  his  ear  and  Inkspots  on  his  Manly  Bosom. 

Now  the  Bunch  were  all  known  to  the  Lumber- 
man. 

"Why?"  he  asked. 

"You  deserve  a  Medal,"  said  the  Clerk. 
"You're  the  only  One  of  the  Gang  that  isn't  out 
Breaking  his  New  Year's  Resolutions." 

"So?"  said  the  Man  of  Boards. 

The  Clerk  looked  at  him  Admiringly. 

"Tell  me,"  he  asked,  "How  did  you  Manage 
to  do  it?" 

"Hist,"  replied  the  Lumberman,  leaning  over 
the  Desk,  "I'll  put  you  Next:  I  never  made 
Any." 

Moral — Many  a  New  Year's  Resolution  is  only 
a  Pendulum  in  Disguise. 


78  RESAWED   FABLES 

Of  the  Gentle  Game  of  Golf 

When  Handel  Bords  was  a  Wee  Urchin  who 
had  Urched  only  Seven  Summers,  his  Governor, 
that  is  his  Old  Man,  that  is  his  Dad,  that  is  his 
Father,  called  him  into  his  Private  Office  in  the 
Blacksmith  Shop  and  imparted  to  him  a  few 
Wads  of  Wisdom. 

"Handel,"  chirped  the  Old  Man,  "You  are 
named  for  a  Great  Man  and  I  don't  want  to  see 
you  Go  Wrong.  This  Gazabo  for  whom  your 
Mother  named  you  was  the  lightweight  Cham- 
pion of  the  Ivory  Keys.  There  was  never  but 
one  man  in  the  Business  in  later  years  who  Could 
Put  it  Over  Him,  and  that  was  Wagner,  the 
Heavyweight.  Wagner  had  more  Steam,  but  he 
wasn't  a  bit  shiftier  than  Han  was  when  he 
hooked  up  for  Twenty  Rounds  with  the  Piano- 
forte." 

"Yes,  papa." 

"Being  named  after  two  great  men  like  Han- 
del and  Me,  it  is  up  to  you  to  follow  the  brilliant 
Example  we  have  made  for  you.  Your  Old  Dad 
may  be  Called  Away  at  Any  Time.  No,  my  son, 
not  by  the  Sheriff.  Before  I  go,  I  would  impart 
some  Counsel. 

"This  it  is — never  play  Another  Man's  Game. 
Did  Wellington  accept  Napoleon's  offer  to  Eoll 


EESAWED   FABLES  79 

the  Bones  at  Waterloo?  No,  sir — and  he  got 
Boots  named  after  him.  Did  Caesar  ever  Settle 
a  Battle  with  Ping-Pong?  No,  sir — and  Shake- 
speare Wrote  a  Play  about  him.  If  you  would 
learn  a  new  game,  learn  it  from  the  Editor  of 
the  Village  Weekly,  so  the  money  will  go  for  a 
Good  Cause." 

As  the  boy  grew  to  the  Age  of  Wisdom  and 
a  Fuzzy  Chin  he  remembered  his  Father's  words 
— long,  long  after  the  Sheriff  arrived.  He  side- 
stepped Poker,  he  Only  Flirted  with  Bridge,  and 
he  told  people  that  Pit  was  Wicked.  He  never 
Indicated  the  Elusive  Pea  under  the  Shell,  nor 
did  he  become  a  depositor  in  a  Faro  Bank.  As  a 
result,  Handel  was  Variously  Accounted  a  Per- 
fectly Lovely  Man  or  a  Dead  One,  according  to 
the  Point  of  View. 

But  one  day  along  about  June  27  a.  m.  one 
Bob  Knox  aforethought  invited  Handel  Bords 
to  make  the  Morning  Eound  at  the  Golf  Tourna- 
ment, in  order  to  get  limbered  up  for  the  After- 
noon Play.  Handel  told  Bob  he  wasn't  Taking 
a  Thing.  Then  Bob  explained  that  he  wanted 
him  to  Play  Golf,  Golf,  don't  you  understand? — 
Golf! 

Handel  Bords,  not  wishing  to  show  his  Ignor- 
ance, which  Inventoried  Large,  accepted  the 
Invitation  and  a  Bunch  of  Walking  Canes  with 
deadly  looking  hammers  on  the  ends.  Not 


80  EESAWED  FABLES 

knowing  that  it  was  Necessary  to  have  a  Boy 
to  do  the  Heavy  Work,  he  Hoisted  it  Himself. 

Then  Bob  placed  a  small  white  Globule  on 
top  of  a  Mud  Pile  and  told  Handel  to  Soak  it. 
No,  gentle  reader,  Handel  did  not  Miss  it.  He 
Soaked  it  165  yards,  made  the  first  hole  in  bogey, 
and  beat  Bob  5  up  and  4  to  play. 

Moral — The  youngster  who  Believes  all  the 
Old  Man  says  Misses  a  lot  of  the  Good  Things 
of  Life.  The  Game  that  Beat  the  Old  Man  may 
be  the  Young  Man's  Meat. 


Of  Silence  That  Isn't  So  Golden 

The  Man  was  Locoed  on  the  Subject  of  Doing 
Business  in  a  Business  Way.  He  believed  in 
System.  He  talked  System  in  his  sleep.  Life 
to  him  was  one  grand  Card  Index.  The  reason 
was,  perhaps,  that  he  had  a  nervous  System 
himself  that  was  geared  up  to  60  Miles  per  hr. 
By  close  attention  to  Righteous  Precepts  and 
Vertical  Filing  Cabinets  he  had  built  up  a  Large 
and  Lucrative  Lumber  Practice.  He  ran  a  local 
Retail  Lumber  Emporium  and  did  a  consider- 
able business  in  Piece  Stuff  and  Such.  He  made 
some  of  the  Rhino  in  this  Wise;  and  he  attrib- 
uted his  Success  to  the  Business  way  in  which 


EESAWED   FABLES  81 

his  Business  was  run.  It  might  also  be  men- 
tioned that  he  attributed  the  Business  Way  to 
himself. 

This  man  had  certain  rules  which  he  had  had 
printed  on  White  Wedding  Bristol  with  a  Ked 
Border.  These  were  pasted  in  Conspicuous 
Places  about  the  office.  A  free  Translation  of 
a  few  of  these  Epigrammatic  Efforts  will  be 
about  as  follows,  to-wit: 


NEVER  SPEAK  UNTIL  SPOKEN  TO— AND  SOME- 
TIMES NOT  THEN. 

A  SOFT  ANSWER  TURNETH  AWAY  WRATH,  IF 

NOT  TOO  SOFT;  BUT  IT  ALSO 

TAKETH  TIME. 

HONOR  THY  FATHER  AND  THY  MOTHER— BUT 
NOT  A  STRANGER'S  CHECKS. 

TO  ERR  IS  HUMAN;  BLESSED  ARE  THE 
INHUMAN. 

YOU  CAN  WIN  BY  PERSEVERANCE;  BUT  YOU 
MAY  LOSE  BY  STUBBORNNESS. 


The  Systematic  man  allowed  these  were 
Pretty  Nifty;  he  thought  also  that  they  ought 
to  be,  seeing  that  he  had  written  them  Himself, 
with  the  Accent  on  the  Himself.  He  was  par- 
ticularly struck  with  that  top  one,  which  he  had 
suspended  over 'the  Office  Boy's  cell. 

Office  Boys,  as  a  Rule,  are  too  Stingy  with 


82  EESAWED   FABLES 

Silence.  They  are  always  chewing  gum  or  lan- 
guage. Of  course  you  will  Immediately  show 
these  lines  to  your  office  Boy,  so  a  few  remarks 
will  be  injected  for  his  Benefit.  Unfortunately 
when  they  tell  Things  about  you  outside  the 
Office  they  tell  the  Truth.  The  head  Bookkeeper 
jollies  you  along  with  something  Different.  The 
head  Bookkeeper  is  looking  for  Advancement. 
The  office  boy  isn't  looking  for  Advancement — 
he  Expects  it. 

This  boy  read  the  Handwriting  on  the  Wall 
and  was  Wise.  It  said,  "  Never  Speak  until  Spo- 
ken to — and  Sometimes  Not  then."  There  had 
been  other  Boys  before  him.  They  held  neither 
their  Tongues  nor  their  Jobs.  This  boy  was 
Pointed  out  by  the  Man  as  a  Model,  just  as  the 
Sign  was  a  Model  Sign. 

One  day  the  Systematic  Man  heard  a  4-11,  or 
thought  he  did. 

"Willie,"  he  said,  "Go  out  and  see  if  there 
ain't  a  Fire." 

Willie  went  out  as  per  Instructions.  In  a  few 
Minutes  he  returned  and  began  worrying  the 
Office  Cat  some  more.  Once  he  started  suddenly; 
then  his  eyes  fell  on  the  Sign,  and  he  remem- 
bered his  Job. 

Five  minutes  later  the  Systematic  Man  in- 
quired: 

"Well,  is  there  a  Fire?" 


EESAWED   FABLES  83 

"Yes,  sir,"  replied  the  boy,  as  succinctly  as 
Possible. 

Ten  minutes  passed.  Then  the  Boss  turned 
in  his  Swivel  chair  again. 

"What  is  it?"  he  asked  of  the  Office  Boy, 
casually. 

"Your  East  Yard." 

Moral — Plain  Common  Sense  is  a  Safer  Bet 
than  a  Hand-Painted  Motto. 


Of  What  Rip  Saw 

He  owned  Eighty  Acres  of  Blonde  Sand  up  in 
Roscommon  county  and  he  Thought  that  this 
Forest  Reserve  Foolishness  was  Trespassing  on 
the  Rights  of  Free-Born  Citizens.  When  the 
Forestry  Commission  ran  Fire  Lines  and  did 
a  few  other  Nonsensical  Things  on  the  Eighty 
next  to  him  and  the  160  acres  across  the  Road, 
he  thought  that  the  Free-Born  Citizens  afore- 
said should  Rise  Up  in  arms  and  Chase  the  Rude 
Invaders  back  to  the  State  Capitol.  His  neigh- 
bors thought  Likewise,  but  somehow  they  didn't 
Rise.  There  must  have  been  something  the 
matter  with  the  Yeast. 

This  man's  Eighty  had  Once  been  covered  with 
Oak,  but  it  had  been  Cleaned  off  by  the  Lumber- 


84  EESAWED  FABLES 

men.  The  Oak,  however,  did  not  act  Mean  about 
It.  After  the  Lumbermen  had  Cut  it  down  Close 
and  left  it  looking  like  a  Shingled  Poodle,  the 
Life  of  the  Oak  was  still  There;  and  it  Sprang 
up  Anew  like  the  Phoenix  bird  or  the  Alderman 
from  the  Sixth. 

However,  the  Free-Born  Citizen  saw  to  that. 
He  had  only  about  Thirty  acres  under  Cultiva- 
tion, but  he  ran  Fire  through  the  Other  Fifty 
and  Turned  Sheep  and  Sunday  school  Picnics 
and  other  Destructive  Forces  Loose  in  it  to  keep 
the  Oak  from  getting  too  firm  a  Hold.  He  said 
he  didn't  want  to  have  to  Clear  that  Eighty 
Twice. 

One  day  this  man  fell  into  a  Trance.  There 
had  been  a  Suspicion  ever  since  be  began  Buck- 
ing the  Forestry  Commission  that  he  was  Walk- 
ing in  his  Sleep.  The  Neighbors  who  discovered 
him  in  a  Trance  sent  for  a  Doctor,  who  gave  him 
stuff  to  make  him  Wake  up,  but  he  only  Turned 
over  on  the  other  Side  and  Snored  in  an  exas- 
perating Basso  Profundo  manner. 

This  Eip  Van  Winkle  II  had  the  original  Rip 
beaten  a  block.  The  Detroit  newspaper  boys  got 
wind  of  it  and  they  worked  the  Sleeping  Beauty 
of  Roscommon  county  for  all  he  was  worth.  The 
Probate  Court  of  Roscommon  also  Worked  Over- 
time. Someone  had  to  look  after  Rip  II  's  affairs. 
When  the  Doctor  couldn't  do  anything,  the 


EESAWED   FABLES  85 

Neighbors  sent  for  the  Coroner,  but  he  Said  he 
Couldn't  Do  Anything,  either.  They  wanted 
him  to  hold  an  Inquest,  but  he  declined  to  hold 
an  Inquest  on  a  Man  who  was  Still  Alive.  They 
had  found  $133.17  in  the  Man's  Bunk  and  it  was 
Finally  decided  to  turn  this  over  to  the  Probate 
Court  after  the  Sheriff  had  refused  to  Interfere. 
The  Sheriff  said  he  Wasn't  going  to  make  him- 
self Liable  by  Arresting  the  man.  He  said  it 
was  no  Crime  to  Fall  Asleep. 

The  Probate  Judge  was  up  a  Stump.  It  isn't 
hard  to  get  up  a  Stump  in  Roscommon  county, 
for  there  are  plenty  of  them.  He  couldn't  enter 
the  case  as  " Deceased"  or  " Insane"  or  any- 
thing like  that.  Finally  he  entered  the  man  as 
" Asleep"  and  appointed  a  Guardian  for  him. 
The  Guardian  kept  the  Taxes  paid  up  and  went 
around  every  22nd  of  September  to  see  if  the 
Man  had  come  to. 

Meanwhile  the  Forestry  Commission  was 
Busily  at  work.  The  Commission  was  not  asleep, 
if  its  neighbor  was.  It  encouraged  Reseeding 
on  its  land,  watched  for  Fires,  and  gave  Mother 
Nature  all  the  Encouragement  that  was  Proper. 

One  day,  after  the  Expiration  of  the  Cus- 
tomary One  Hundred  years,  the  Rip  Van  Winkle 
of  Roscommon  county  dreamed  that  England 
had  Lifted  the  Cup.  Then  he  Woke  up. 


86  EESAWED   FABLES 

The  Oak  Timber  on  his  Fifty  uncultivated 
Acres  brought  him  $33,711.99  at  the  Mill. 

Moral  —  If  you  want  to  know  how  Mother 
Nature  stands  on  the  Question  of  Reforestation, 
just  leave  her  alone  a  Few  Years. 


Of  Bow  Ling  Ali  and  the  Man 
with  the  Stump  Puller 

Bow  Ling  Ali  was  Shaykh  of  the  village  of 
Hi  Bal,  an  Oasis  in  the  desert  half  way  between 
Dri  Nek  and  Par  Esis.  Over  such  of  his  Depend- 
ents as  had  not  already  sailed  for  Pittsburg  to 
sell  Plaster  of  Paris  Images  he  ruled  with  a  firm, 
almost  a  corporation,  hand.  These  inhabitants 
of  the  Skin-tent  village  were  wont  to  call  him 
the  All- Wise.  In  the  evenings  they  would  Coagu- 
late near  his  tent  door  and  sing  a  Serenade: 

All- Wise,  All-Wise,  we  will  love  you  always; 

Do  not  fear — our  love  is  true, 

For  we  live  alone  on  you. 
All- Wise,  All-Wise,  we  will  love  you  always; 

Love  like  ours  is  always  true 
And  it  lives  always,  All-Wise. 

This  song  (B.  C.  617)  is  still  sung  in  America, 
in  an  Aggravated  form. 


RESAWED   FABLES  87 

Being  the  only  Visible  means  of  Support  that 
numerous  of  the  villagers  possessed,  Shaykh 
Bow  Ling  Ali  was  considerable  of  a  Poo-Bah; 
for  the  people  responded  by  Handing  him  all 
the  Public  Offices  to  which  no  Salary  was  at- 
tached. One  of  these  Jobs  was  that  of  Chief 
Magistrate.  As  there  was  no  appeal  from  his 
Decisions,  he  exercised  all  the  power  of  an  abso- 
lute monarch.  If  he  called  a  man  Safe  at  Second 
the  man  was  safe,  even  if  he  was  seven  feet  off 
the  Bag.  The  very  Finality  of  his  judgment 
gave  him  a  Eep  for  being  a  wise  Gazabo. 

One  day  there  blew  into  the  Village  a  man 
from  Chicago  who  was  selling  Stump  Pullers. 
He  said  this  Stump  Puller  would  raise  anything 
in  the  tented  village — and  he  gave  a  Demonstra- 
tion by  pulling  up  a  number  of  Date  Palms. 
These  Date  Palms  were  large  Palms  under  which 
the  village  maidens  of  three  Generations  had 
kept  their  Dates. 

Now  when  the  American  in  Ten  Minutes  lifted 
out  a  date  palm  that  had  been  a  Hundred  Years 
in  getting  a  Good  Hold  the  villagers  began  to 
feel  that  a  Wise  One  had  come  along  and  that 
he  would  make  Bow  Ling  Ali  look  like  a  plate 
of  Ice  Cream  in  the  Business  part  of  a  Blast 
Furnace. 

This  rumor  came  to  Bow  Ling  Ali  and  he 
caused  the  man  from  Chicago  to  be  brought  be- 


88  EESAWED   FABLES 

fore  him.  The  Shaykh  received  him,  seated  on  a 
magnificent  Oriental  Rug  for  which  he  had  paid 
$19.98  at  a  Fire  Sale. 

"Milk-strained  skinner,  or  rather  milk- 
skinned  stranger,"  the  Shaykh  began,  "thou 
hast  a  machine  which  will  lift  Anything?" 

"That  I  have,  coffee-colored  Caliph." 

"We  shall  See." 

Whereupon  the  Shaykh  caused  a  great  iron- 
bound  stake  to  be  brought  and  twenty  men  were 
employed  for  Half  an  Hour  to  drive  it  into  the 
Earth.  But  the  Yankee  with  the  Business  for 
Pulling  the  Teeth  out  of  the  Face  of  Nature 
yanked  the  Stake  out  in  a  minute  and  sixteen 
seconds. 

At  this  the  populace  wondered;  and  it  looked 
like  the  Yankee  had  Made  a  few  Votes. 

"There  is  one  more  Test,"  said  Bow  Ling  All, 
the  All- Wise,  "and  if  you  fail  in  this  you  may 
have  your  Choice  of  being  Boiled  in  Oil  or  being 
Elocuted  by  one  of  our  female  Elocutionists; 
either,  I  think,  thou  wilt  find  sufficiently  Hor- 
rible. If  your  iron  demon  will  lift  Anything, 
cause  it  to  lift  the  Mortgage  off  the  Eoyal 
Tomb." 

This  was  where  the  man  from  Chicago  got 
off  and  panted  for  breath.  But  they  slung  him 
into  a  Dark  and  Dismal  Dungeon  and  sent  for 
the  Elocutionist.  Twenty  minutes  after  the 


EESAWED   FABLES  89 

Arrival  of  the  Elocutionist  the  Shaykh  sent  word 
to  the  machinery  salesman  that  if  his  Machine 
could  Raise  $200  all  would  be  forgiven  and  he 
could  Move  On. 

The  stranger  had  $127.23  and  they  Compro- 
mised. In  the  Village  of  Hi  Bal  Confidence  was 
Restored. 

Moral — Many  a  man  thinks  he  has  a  Pull 
that  is  a  Cinch — until  he  Really  has  to  Pull 
Something. 


Of  Seeing  the  World 

Dame  Fortune  and  the  Chicago  &  North- 
Western  railway  once  brought  two  Families 
into  a  small  Jerkwater  Town  at  about  the  same 
Time.  The  Town  was  so  small  that  a  Man  going 
Home  from  Lodge  had  to  step  carefully  in  order 
to  keep  within  the  Village  Limits.  The  Town 
was  so  small,  in  fact,  that,  although  the  name 
of  one  Family  was  Smith  and  that  of  the  other 
Jones,  they  were  the  only  Joneses  and  Smiths 
in  the  Village. 

The  Smith  family  had  a  Cow,  a  Clothes 
Wringer,  the  Grandfather  of  a  Horse  and  one 
Son.  That  was  all  the  Furniture  it  Possessed. 

The  Jones  Family  was  better  off.  It  had 
not  only  a  Son,  but  it  had  also  a  Picture 


90  EESAWED   FABLES 

Album  and  Money  in  a  St.  Paul  bank.  It 
had  moved  around  Minnesota  and  Wisconsin 
considerably,  because  it  was  cheaper  than 
paying  Grocery  Bills. 

The  Smith  Family  had,  up  to  this  time,  lived 
on  a  Sand  Farm  for  Generations  and  had  moved 
to  preserve  the  Family  Name,  which  was  in 
danger  of  Extermination  because  of  poor  crops. 
Smith,  Sr.,  felt  that  he  had  done  his  Full  Duty 
by  the  Old  Homestead,  and  Felt  no  Compunction 
when  he  yielded  to  a  Desire  for  some  other  kind 
of  a  Meal  besides  Oatmeal  and  Cornmeal. 

Young  Smith  and  Young  Jones  went  to  School 
together.  They  fought,  bit  and  lied  for  one 
Another.  But  though  their  Sympathies  and 
Kite  Strings  were  in  Common,  they  differed  in 
their  Ambitions.  Young  Jones  determined  to 
see  Something  of  the  World.  He  started  out 
at  15  in  Deadly  Earnest  and  a  Box  Car,  but  came 
back  when  a  Brakeman  sneaked  up  behind  him 
and  Suggested  it  to  him.  When  he  started  again 
he  was  18,  and  this  time  went  for  Sure.  He 
began  work  in  a  Saw  Mill  at  Ashland,  and  then 
drifted  to  Appleton.  He  spent  a  Winter  in  the 
U.  P.,  and  got  down  to  Chicago  one  Summer.  At 
Ashland  he  had  learned  how  to  make  Lumber; 
in  the  U.P.  he  had  learned  how  to  get  Logs 
out;  and  in  Chicago  he  Learned  something  about 
the  Selling  Part.  He  worked  as  far  West  as 


EESAWED   FABLES  91 

Salt  Lake,  as  far  South  as  Memphis,  and  as  far 
East  as  Pittston,  though  he  was  careful  not  to 
work  Too  Much.  After  a  few  Years  of  this  he 
concluded  he  had  satisfied  his  Boyish  Ambition 
to  see  the  World.  He  did  not  know  that  there 
was  still  Some  of  the  World  left  east  of  Pitts- 
ton  and  south  of  Memphis.  However,  he  decided 
to  go  back  to  the  Old  Town  on  the  C.  &  N.-W. 
and  exhibit  his  Three-Ounce  Watch-charm. 

Meanwhile  the  Smith  Boy  did  not  Exhibit 
any  such  Ambition  or  Brocaded  Vest.  He  stuck 
right  to  the  Old  Burg  and  showed  no  disposi- 
tion to  get  into  a  Bigger  Place.  Many  a  Man 
has  started  his  Career  in  a  County  Jail  and  by 
Diligence  and  Study  and  Application  to  Busi- 
ness has  climbed  up  and  up  until  he  has  occupied 
a  Place  in  some  of  the  Leading  Penitentiaries 
of  the  Country.  Not  so  the  Smith  boy.  He 
Stuck  to  Mother  and  Father.  The  Result  was 
that  when  the  Jones  boy  came  back  he  found 
the  Smith  Boy  holding  down  a  Chair  in  front 
of  the  Village  Store.  The  Town  had  grown 
some  by  the  Padding  of  some  new  Additions, 
and  So  had  the  Smith  boy.  Otherwise  Things 
were  unchanged. 

"Well,"  said  the  Jones  fellow,  "I'm  glad  I 
got  out  of  this  Hole.  I'm  Getting  $125  per  with 
a  Chicago  wholesale  Lumber  House  now.  Still 
stick  to  the  Old  Town,  don't  you,  Smith?" 


92  RESAWED   FABLES 

"Yes,"  replied  Smith;  "I  have  to." 

"No,  you  don't  Have  to — there's  a  Chance 
for  any  Chap  out  in  the  Great  World." 

"I  know,  but  I  kind  of  Feel  that  I'd  ought 
to  Stick  to  the  Old  Town." 

"Nonsense!    Why?" 

"I  own  most  of  it." 

Moral — A  Meandering  Stone  accumulates  no 
Lichen. 


Of  Helping  Others 

"The  surest  way  to  help  Yourself,"  quoth  the 
Youth  in  his  Graduation  essay,  "is  to  help  some- 
one Else.  I  do  not  mean  to  help  yourself  to 
what  someone  else  Has." 

Then  he  paused,  that  his  Words  might  sink 
Deep  into  the  souls  of  his  auditors — and  also 
because  the  professor  of  public  speaking  had 
told  him  that  was  a  good  place  to  Catch  his 
Breath. 

"What  I  mean,"  said  the  Graduate,  "is  to 
help  someone  else  First  and  then  help  yourself." 

Father,  who  had  worn  a  glad  White  Tie  all 
day  at  the  mill  in  honor  of  the  august  occasion, 
was  sitting  well  down  in  Front. 

"In  other  words,"  thought  father  to  himself, 
"let  some  in  on  the  ground  floor — that  is  helping 


BESAWED   FABLES  93 


Others;  but  when  it  becomes  time  to  declare  a 
Dividend,  help  yourself." 

The  Graduate,  however,  did  not  know  that 
his  father  had  misinterpreted  his  Logic — or 
rather  his  graduation  essay.  The  Graduate 
thought  the  essay  was  pretty  good.  He  was 
frank  enough  to  admit  that  to  Mother,  who 
thought  it  was  Just  Splendid. 

The  youth  was  at  least  conscientious  and 
consistent.  After  he  had  left  School  and  started 
out  in  the  wide,  wide,  and  moderately  thick 
World,  he  tried  to  put  his  altruistic  principles 
into  active  Practice.  He  went  to  Chicago — in 
a  Pullman  car — to  study  the  social  settlements. 
He  Slummed  it — and  it  cost  father  about  $73.48 
per  Slum. 

He  knew  he  was  doing  a  good  deal  of  Good, 
because  the  Pastor  of  the  Highland  Park  church 
Told  him  so.  One  day  he  was  out  slumming  in 
an  Automobile  and  accidentally  ran  across  an 
old  Friend.  He  told  the  old  friend  about  the 
good  Work  he  was  doing  and  how  he  expected 
to  have  his  home  for  broken-down  Hash 
Slingers  open  by  the  first  of  August. 

"I  hope  you  do,"  said  the  old  friend,  frankly, 
" because  I  don't  think  the  Old  Man  will  Hold 
Out  much  longer  than  that." 

The  Graduate  wondered  what  He  meant.  He 
went  Home  to  find  out.  He  found  that  Father 


94  EESAWED   FABLES 

was  running  a  big  Saw  Mill  and  running  it  alone. 
Father  told  him  that  there  wasn't  anybody 
around  just  then  that  he  liked  to  trust  many  of 
the  Things  to  except  him,  and  he  was  busy  with 
his  Great  Work.  Father  looked  about  as  Robust, 
when  he  said  it,  as  a  man  in  a  6-day  bicycle  Race 
at  the  end  of  the  13,721st  lap. 

The  Graduate  decided  that  the  home  of  the 
broken-down  hash  slingers  could  wait. 

Moral — Help  yourself  by  helping  Others  — 
but  help  your  own  Others  before  you  help  other 
people's  others. 


Of  the  Light  That  Failed 

Once  there  were  two  Unfortunates  who  had 
Both  been  caught  by  Dame  Fortune  with  Lum- 
ber Yards  on  them  and  Treated  accordingly. 
When  that  Lady  captures  a  Yap  with  such  Evi- 
dences of  Reckless  Disregard  of  Consequences 
on  his  Person,  what  she  Does  to  him  is  Good 
and  Plenty  and  Some  More.  She  does  not  like 
Anything  better  than  to  find  a  Retail  Yard  man 
somewhere  and  Impale  him  on  an  Injunction  or 
an  Execution  and  then  Broil  him  over  a  Slow 
Lawsuit.  The  Mills  of  the  Law-Gods  grind 
Slowly,  but  they  Pulverize  middling  fine.  When 
they  get  Hold  of  an  Innocent  and  Unsophis- 


EESAWED   FABLES  95 

ticated  lumberman  they  Reduce  him  to  Blue 
Vapor. 

When  Dame  Fortune  found  these  two  yard 
men  with  the  Goods  on  them  she  unbottled  a 
Building  Boom.  Now,  that  would  Ordinarily 
seem  to  be  very  Lovely  of  her.  A  Building  Boom 
ought  to  be  Meat  to  a  Lumber  dealer.  But  a 
Building  Boom  is  sometimes  a  Boomerang.  It 
gives  a  Yard  man  Fancy  Ideas.  He  begins  to 
Load  Up.  He  gets  the  Crazy  Notion  that  his 
Burg  is  going  to  show  an  increase  in  Population. 
He  may  have  a  Few  Measly  Millions  Piled  in 
his  Yards,  but  he  gets  the  Impression  that  he 
can  treble  his  Profits  by  doubling  his  Stock.  Of 
course,  all  he  trebles  is  his  Insurance,  his  Taxes, 
his  Bills  Payable  and  his  Troubles.  There  is  no 
Reason  why  a  Yard  man  should  Treble  his 
Troubles.  There  is  no  Crying  necessity  for  it. 
If  he  Wants  Trouble  a  Simpler  method  is  to 
Marry. 

These  two  Yard  men  were  Hit  by  this  Building 
Boom,  and  they  Started  to  clean  up  Wholesale 
stocks  in  the  East.  They  wanted  to  get  a  Corner 
in  Lumber.  Now,  any  Man  who  sets  out  to  get 
a  Corner  in  Lumber  generally  never  gets  any- 
thing Better  than  a  Nice  quiet  Corner  in  a  Ceme- 
tery. If  a  Retailer  wishes  to  Land  out  in  Forest 
Lawn  he  Should  get  the  radical  Idea  that  he  is 
not  carrying  enough  Lumber  for  the  Prospective 


96  EESAWED   FABLES 

Demand.  The  prospective  demand  is  not  infre- 
quently an  Ignis  Fatuus  that  will  Lead  him  into 
Muck  that  is  up  to  his  Neck.  Enough  is  enough. 

These  two  Yard  men  began  to  Stock  up.  They 
bought  Bevel  Siding  and  Dimension,  and  Bor- 
rowed money  and  Trouble.  Then  a  Eailroad 
tore  up  its  Tracks  and  put  a  Large  Musical 
Puncture  in  the  Building  Boom  through  which 
the  Escaping  Gas  whistled  like  a  Messenger  Boy. 

One  of  these  mis-dealers  gritted  his  Teeth  and 
Buckled  in.  He  handed  the  Large  juicy  Jolly 
to  his  Creditors,  and  stood  Collectors  off  with  a 
gun.  He  lay  awake  at  night  and  figured  how 
to  meet  Notes  the  Next  Day,  and  how  Not  to 
meet  the  Grocer.  He  moved  a  little  Lumber  at 
5  off  what  he  Paid  for  it,  and  in  this  Profit- 
able manner  managed  to  Keep  his  Standing  in 
Church.  He  has  just  got  now  where  he  can 
Take  a  Long  Breath  without  Feeling  the  pangs 
of  Financial  Pleurisy. 

The  other  Dealer  made  no  Attempt  to  Stem 
the  Tide,  and  was  declared  a  Bankrupt.  He 
skipped  all  the  Brain  Fag  and  Moved  to  the 
Next  Town,  where  his  Address  is  now  No.  1000 
Easy  Street. 

Moral — Nothing  Succeeds  like  a  Failure. 


EESAWED   FABLES  97 

Of  the  Sense  of  Touch 

A  Northern  Mill  Man  was  seated  in  his  Pala- 
tial Office  with  his  Pedal  Extremities  on  a  Desk 
constructed  of  Minnesota  Mahogany  and  his 
back  up  against  a  magnificent  Sofa  Pillow  which 
one  of  the  Mill  Hands  of  Artistic  Tendencies 
had  Constructed  by  Stuffing  a  Burlap  Sack  with 
Excelsior.  He  was  Smoking  a  Missouri  Meer- 
schaum filled  with  Wisconsin  Burley,  and  was 
as  happy  as  a  Landlord  when  a  New  Family 
moves  in  or  an  Old  Family  moves  out.  The 
Puffing  of  his  Pipe  kept  time  with  the  Puffing 
of  an  asthmatic  Saw  Mill  outside.  It  was  a 
warm  Day  in  Summer,  one  of  those  days  that 
fill  the  Air  with  the  Incense  of  the  Fields  and 
Woods  and  make  a  Man  feel  Groggy.  All  Nature 
seemed  at  Best,  and  most  of  the  Lumber  Shovers. 

Down  at  the  Water's  Edge  a  Cricket  sang  its 
Song  of  Joy,  but  gave  it  up  when  a  Boom  Hand 
began  to  whistle  " Hiawatha."  The  Pond  Lilies 
floated  idly  on  the  Surface  of  the  Boom,  and 
the  little  Malaria  Germs  played  Tag  with  the 
Typhoid  Germs  Next  Door.  As  stated  before, 
aU  Nature  seemed  at  Rest.  As  a  Poet  would 
say,  Nothing  seemed  to  be  sweating  Itself. 

Suddenly  the  Quiet  of  this  Beautiful  Pastoral 
Scene  was  busted  by  a  Creature  who  projected 


98  RESAWED   FABLES 

his  Form  through  the  Office  Door  and  Distrib- 
uted himself  over  the  Office  Furniture.  He  was 
Tall  and  Thin,  like  a  Piece  of  Asparagus,  and 
as  Seedy  as  a  Sunflower.  But  he  was  Full  of  a 
Great  Scheme,  so  Full  of  it  that  one  could  catch 
the  Aroma  of  it  on  his  Breath.  These  Tall  and 
Seedy  Strangers  always  are. 

He  introduced  himself  to  the  Mill  Man  before 
the  Mill  Man  had  Time  to  ask  for  an  Introduc- 
tion, and  said  he  had  just  come  in  on  the  B.  &  0. 
— by  which  was  probably  Meant  the  Brakes  and 
Oil-boxes.  He  had  been  looking  timber  down 
in  Arkansas  and  he  told  the  Mill  Man  he  would 
put  him  Next  to  a  scheme  by  which  he  could 
make  a  Million  in  Arkansaw  Hemlock.  The  Mill 
Man  had  never  heard  much  about  Arkansas  as  a 
Hemlock  producing  State,  but  he  permitted  the 
Stranger  to  unfold  his  scheme. 

The  Long  Continued  Stranger  said  he  didn't 
have  much  Eeady  Capital  himself,  but  he  was 
willing  to  let  some  Man  who  had  in  on  the  Great 
Scheme,  with  no  Expectation  of  Reward.  He 
said  that  in  a  Location  in  Arkansaw  which  he 
would  mention  later  he  had  struck  a  Tract  of 
700,000  acres  that  he  thought  would  run  about 
95  percent  pure  Hemlock  to  the  Ton.  The  Out- 
croppings  were  very  plain  and  he  was  only  sur- 
prised that  some  other  Prospector  had  not 
located  the  Timber  long  ago.  He  didn't  have 


EESAWED   FABLES  99 

the  Capital  to  work  the  Hemlock  Claim  him- 
self, but  he  had  secured  an  Option  on  699,500 
acres  of  it  at  $2.17  an  acre,  and  if  the  Mill  Man 
wanted  to  make  a  Million  he  would  divulge  the 
Locality. 

"  After  you  get  Down  there,"  said  the 
Stranger,  "and  you  find  Everything  as  Repre- 
sented, if  you  feel  that  you  owe  me  a  Little 
Something  for  putting  you  Next,  why,  it  will 
be  thankfully  Received,  as  it  will  permit  me 
to  pursue  my  Art  Studies  in  Europe.  Some  of 
the  Old  Masters  are  Anxious  for  me  to  Come 
over.  A  Little  Commission  wouldn't  be  any 
more  than  Fair,  would  it?" 

"If  I  make  a  Million  on  the  Deal,"  said  the 
Mill  Man,  "I  ought  to  give  you  $100,000, 
anyway." 

"That's  very  kind  of  you,"  said  the  Stranger. 
"And,  say,  couldn't  you  let  me  have  a  Dollar 
and  a  Quarter  of  it  now?" 

This  somewhat  dampened  the  Mill  Man's 
enthusiasm. 

"I  have  always  heard,"  he  said,  "that  Riches 
were  a  Great  Bother,  so  I  guess  I  won't  Monkey 
with  your  Generous  Offer.  In  fact,  I  believe 
you  are  a  Fakir,  that  you  never  was  in  Arkansas 
and  you  don't  know  any  more  about  Looking 
Timber  than  a  Hog  does  about  the  Hereafter." 

At  first  the  Stranger  was  inclined  to  protest; 


100  EESAWED   FABLES 

but  when  he  looked  into  the  chilled  steel  Eyes 
of  the  Mill  Man  he  admitted  that  the  Jig  was  up. 

"Tell  me  one  thing,"  requested  the  Stranger 
as  he  collected  himself  together  and  prepared 
to  Depart,  "how  did  you  find  me  out?  Are  you 
a  Mind  Reader?" 

"No,"  replied  the  Mill  Man;  "I  divine  these 
things  by  the  Sense  of  Touch." 

Moral — Beware  of  the  Stranger  who  would  do 
you  a  Great  Kindness  but  wants  your  Thanks  in 
Advance. 


Of  the  Savate  Expert  and  the  Man 
With  the  Spiked  Boots 

Being  on  the  Main  Line  to  Mecca,  Shaykh 
Bow  Ling  Ali,  Chief  of  the  village  of  Hi  Bal 
and  owner  of  700  horses  and  21,000  camels,  enter- 
tains many  a  Hadji  on  the  Pilgrimage.  He  also 
entertains  Others.  One  of  these  was  M.  Broyle, 
from  Montreal,  late  of  Paris,  Savate  expert  in 
the  Cafe  de  Bum  Bum,  just  off  the  Rue  M'  Tism. 
M.  Broyle  could  box  with  his  head,  hands  and 
feet,  and  could  lean  his  Face  against  an  Oppo- 
nent's Fist  in  a  manner  that  was  Marvelously 
Skillful. 

It  was  his  Foot  Work,  however,  that  threat- 


EESAWED   #&BJisJ  :  -        j  /\101 

ened  to  make  Famous  the  Cafe  de  Bum  Bum. 
M.  Broyle  had  tiny  feet;  but  when  he  made  a 
Feint  with  his  Eight  Hand,  an  upper-cut  with 
his  Coco  and  a  left  swing  with  his  Off  Hoof,  his 
opponent  was  led  to  believe  that  instead  of 
scrapping  with  One  Man  he  was  surrounded 
by  a  Mob. 

M.  Broyle  had  not  been  long  in  the  camp  of 
Bow  Ling  Ali,  the  All- Wise,  before  the  Wheel- 
man of  one  of  the  ships  of  the  desert  discovered 
him  Making  Goo-Goo  eyes  at  an  Arabian  Lady 
with  a  laundered  flour-sack  tied  across  her  Eyes. 

Thereupon  there  was  a  Wordy  Altercation 
between  the  pilot  of  the  dromedary  and  the 
Don  Juan  of  the  Cafe  de  Bum  Bum.  News  of 
the  Uproar  came  to  the  ear — in  fact,  both  ears — 
of  Bow  Ling  Ali,  the  All- Wise,  and  he  had  the 
Altercators  brought  before  him.  The  courtroom 
of  the  Chief  Magistrate  of  the  Tribe  was  quickly 
filled,  for  the  wisdom  of  Bow  Ling  Ali  was  great. 

The  Shaykh  told  each  of  the  Contenders  to 
state  his  case.  ' l  Well,  monsieur, ' 9  said  M.  Broyle, 
' i  I  made  ze  look  at  ze  Lady. ' ' 

"0  Bow  Ling  Ali,"  replied  the  Camel  Pilot, 
"  Shaykh  of  the  Children  of  Hi  Bal,  All-wise 
Defender  of  the  Prophet,  this  unclean  son  of 
the  west  gazed  with  Profane  Eyes  upon  the 
features  of  Little  Egypt." 

"Hold!"  said  the  Shaykh;    "this  being  an 


102  EESAWED   FABLES 

affair  of  the  heart,  it  shall  be  settled  after  the 
Usual  Fashion." 

Thereupon  the  Spectators  made  a  Squared 
Circle  and,  in  the  absence  of  Malachi  Hogan, 
Shaykh  All-wise  acted  as  Eeferee. 

The  Arab  made  a  Snakelike  spring  and  Col- 
lided with  M.  Broyle's  famous  left  foot,  while 
the  Stranger's  Right  Foot  beat  a  gentle  Tattoo 
on  his  Metric  System. 

After  the  Parisian  had  walked  around  the 
Arab's  face  until  it  looked  like  the  Home  Plate, 
the  police  interfered. 

Now,  it  is  not  necessary  to  state  whether  the 
Camel  Pilot  recovered  or  whether  M.  Broyle, 
savate  expert,  at  your  service,  won  the  Fair 
Damsel  or  no.  This  Fable  really  concerns 
mostly  a  man  who  appeared  on  the  scene  three 
days  after  the  Savate  demonstration,  and  who 
knew  nothing  about  it. 

This  stranger  was  a  Eiver  Driver  from 
Cloquet.  He  was  on  a  Pedestrian  Tour  of  the 
World.  He  wore  his  Spiked  Boots,  size  11%, 
not  only  because  they  were  Comfortable,  but 
because  the  sand  could  not  then  burn  his  feet. 

Now,  when  the  man  with  the  11%  Spiked 
Boots  approached  the  village  of  Hi  Bal  the 
scouts  of  Shaykh  Bow  Ling  Ali  discovered  his 
Foot  Prints  and  carried  the  awful  intelligence 
to  the  All- wise.  When  the  river  driver  appeared 


EESAWED   FABLES  103 

in  Person  he  beheld  only  a  Cloud  of  Dust  in  the 
Distance. 

He  wondered  thereat;  but  he  picked  the  best 
of  the  remaining  Horses  and  proceeded  on  his 
Journey. 

Moral — We  cowards  often  Unconsciously  Owe 
a  good  deal  to  some  Other  Fellow  who  has  passed 
this  Way. 


Of  the  Three  Sons  Who  Were  Put 
to  the  Arabian  Test 

A  certain  Lumberman,  who  owned  a  saw  mill 
in  the  Land  where  the  Big  Timber  blossoms 
with  Eed  Cedar  Shingles,  had  Three  Ambitions 
in  Life — all  of  them  Boys.  In  fact  he  had  about 
all  the  Ambition  that  appeared  to  run  in  the 
Family. 

Not  but  what  these  were  Active  boys.  One  of 
them  held  the  Driving  Record  on  four  different 
Links  and  could  make  Eighteen  Holes  in  61. 
Another  had  broken  a  Red  Devil  Wagon  so  he 
could  bring  it  up  to  the  Curb  at  thirty  miles  an 
hour  and  it  would  stand  Without  hitching.  The 
other  was  gone  on  a  Girl  on  the  North  Side 
and  was  Gone  most  of  the  time. 


104  EESAWED   FABLES 

None  of  these  Three  Great  Eesponsibilities 
had  yet,  however,  evinced  any  Desire  for  Work. 
They  were  Shining  Examples  of  the  doctrine, 
"What's  the  Use  of  Working  while  Father  keeps 
his  Health?"  This  was  a  Question  they  had 
never  been  able  to  Solve;  so  they  let  it  go  at 
that.  It  never  occurred  to  the  Boy  with  the 
Knee  Pants  and  Sassy  Hose  to  use  his  Niblick 
to  shift  a  belt  in  the  saw  mill.  The  lad  who 
tooted  the  Comanche  business  on  the  front  end 
of  the  Juggernaut  did  not  know  Anything  about 
a  sawmill  engine,  and  if  asked  what  the  Governor 
was  would  have  said  it  was  the  Old  Guy  who 
Paid  the  Bills.  The  boy  who  was  Stuck  on  the 
North  Side  Dame  never  worried  about  where 
his  Wedding  Outfit  was  coming  from.  He  knew 
Dad  was  good  for  a  Gas  Stove  and  a  Wilton  Rug, 
or  at  least  could  Furnish  Five  Rooms  for  $87. 

None  of  the  boys  ever  thought  any  Further 
Ahead  than  the  Thursday  night  Hop  or  any 
Further  Back  than  2  o'clock  this  morning.  But 
the  Old  Man  Used  to  meet  Himself  in  the  Study 
some  nights  and  wonder  if  Those  Boys  were 
ever  going  to  awaken  to  the  Seriousness  of  Life 
or  whether  he  would  have  to  set  off  the  Alarm. 

About  this  time  Dad  got  hold  of  a  book  called 
"The  Shaykh  of  the  Desert."  He  did  not  know 
whether  "Shaykh"  was  the  name  of  a  Grade 
or  a  What.  But  he  thought  he  would  find  out. 


EESAWED   FABLES  105 

So  he  read  the  book.  It  appears  that  this  Shaykh 
was  the  Main  Squeeze  of  an  Arabian  Village  and 
used  to  Hand  Out  large  Gobs  of  Wisdom  to  the 
Wondering  Natives.  He  was  a  Eegular  De- 
tective, except  that  he  really  Detected  Crime. 
His  favorite  method  was  to  put  the  Suspected 
Person  to  a  test — such  as  Twisting  the  Tail  of 
a  White  Mule.  If  the  mule  kicked  the  Respondent 
in  the  Experiment  or  the  Chest  or  Somewhere  it 
was  an  indication  that  the  Respondent  was  inno- 
cent. It  was  also  sometimes  accompanied  by 
Indications  that  the  Respondent  was  Dead. 

The  name  of  this  Shaykh  was  Bow  Ling  Ali, 
and  he  Worked  up  such  a  Rep  for  being  a  Wise 
Member  that  one  of  the  Met  Saleys  of  the  tribe 
picked  up  a  bushel  basket  full  of  his  Wise 
Thinks  and  Coagulated  them  in  a  Book,  which 
might  be  had  for  $3.50  and  in  State  Street 
for  $1.98.  It  was  a  copy  of  the  $1.98  Edition 
that  fell  into  the  hands  of  the  Lumberman,  and 
that  gave  him  an  Idee.  He  had  Suspicions  that 
perhaps  One  of  the  Boys  might  be  Concealing 
Brains  about  his  Person  somewhere,  but  Con- 
cealing them  with  a  Success  worthy  of  a  Better 
Cause.  He  decided  to  do  a  little  Shaykh  busi- 
ness Himself  and  put  the  Boys  to  the  Arabian 
Test.  But  he  was  undetermined  how  to  put  them 
over  the  Hot  sands,  as  he  possessed  no  White 
Mule. 


106  EESAWED   FABLES 

After  some  Cogitation  he  called  the  Three 
Candidates  before  him  and  Handed  each  a  Round 
Trip  Ticket  to  the  World's  Fair,  together  with  a 
suitable  Sum  of  Coin.  He  then  addressed  them 
in  the  Language  of  the  Desert: 

"You  Three  Skalawags  may  think  your  Pa 
is  a  Pudding;  but  if  you  do  you  are  off  your 
Cafe  Noir,  whatever  that  is.  It  is  about  time 
that  you,  Harold,  quit  carrying  around  that 
bundle  of  Children's  Garden  Tools  and  got  busy 
driving  a  Dump-Cart  instead  of  a  Golf  Ball. 
And  you,  Bob,  if  you  want  to  commit  murder, 
do  not  need  to  kill  off  pedestrians,  but  can  blow 
up  a  few  sawmill  Boilers.  And,  Harry,  Love  is 
a  Good  Thing  to  live  on  if  it  is  placed  between 
two  Slices  of  Bread  and  Spread  thickly  with 
minced  Ham  and  Mustard. 

"Now  you  Three  Galoots  have  got  to  go  to 
Work  or  to  a  Home  for  the  Feeble  Minded. 
I  am  going  to  send  you  down  to  this  World's 
Fair  and  see  what  you  can  Learn.  After  you 
come  back,  and  pass  through  a  little  Uncivil 
Service  Examination  I  intend  giving  you,  I  will 
start  you  out  in  Life  according  to  the  Wisdom 
you  have  Assimilated.  Now,  Bless  you,  my 
Children;  and  if  you  Walk  Crooked  you  know 
what  you  will  Get  when  you  Come  Back." 

Thereupon  the  Three  Sons  set  out  across  the 
Plains  until  they  came  to  the  Great  City.  There 


EESAWED   FABLES  107 

they  saw  Many  Sights;  for  there  were  Quite  a 
Few  to  be  seen. 

When  they  Returned  to  the  Land  of  their 
Fathers  the  Old  Man  said,  "Come  with  me." 
He  took  them  first  through  Devious  Ways, 
where  there  was  Music  and  Dancing,  and  he 
asked  them  what  they  Beheld.  Bob  and  Harry 
knew  not;  but  Harold  told  him  it  was  the 
Pasmala. 

Then  he  Steered  them  to  a  Place  where  there 
were  Picture  Cards  and  Buttons  with  no  Holes 
in  them.  He  pointed  to  a  table  and  asked, 
"What  is  this?"  Harold  and  Harry  knew  not; 
but  Bob  opined  it  was  Three  Card  Monte. 

Next  he  took  them  to  a  Place  where  Trees 
cut  in  Thin  Slices  were  stood  on  end.  He  pointed 
to  a  Slice  that  was  as  beautiful  as  a  Sunset. 
Bob  and  Harold  were  up  a  stump;  but  Harry 
said  it  was  Red  Gum. 

Thereupon  the  disciple  of  Bow  Ling  Ali  was 
content.  And  the  next  morning  he  arose  and 
gave  Harry  $87  to  furnish  five  rooms,  and  a 
Lumber  Yard  to  furnish  the  Grub.  But  to 
Harold  he  presented  a  Swift  Kick,  and  gave 
Bob  a  job  pushing  a  Cart  in  Harry's  Yard. 

Moral — There  is  a  whole  lot  of  Cull  in  the 
Tree  of  Knowledge. 


108  EESAWED   FABLES 

Of  the  Reformer  Reformed 

Once  upon  a  Good  Old  Summer  Time  there 
was  a  Reformer  who  was  a  Glittering  Success. 
A  Reformer  is  a  Chap  who  is  so  Busy  keeping 
Cases  on  other  people's  Faults  that  he  has  no 
Time  to  Post  his  Own  Books.  It's  a  Job  that 
will  keep  a  man  fairly  busy;  and  the  other 
Fellow  who  runs  out  ahead  to  give  the  Millen- 
nium the  Glad  Hand  is  apt  to  get  out  of  Breath 
before  he  has  to  make  his  Speech  of  Welcome. 
The  Optimist  who  is  Wandering  around  looking 
for  a  State  of  Perfection  is  likely  to  discover 
that  it  has  not  yet  been  Admitted  to  the  Union — 
though  New  York  may  try  to  convince  him  that 
it  is  It. 

This  particular  Reformer  was  doing  an  Anti- 
Trust  Specialty.  He  was  agin  the  Trusts;  and 
the  directors  of  the  Steel  Trust  used  to  Sit  up 
Nights  worrying  about  it.  It  never  Occurred 
to  them  to  buy  him  off  with  a  few  Shares  of 
Steel  Stock,  though  He  often  Thought  of  it.  He 
used  to  Discourse  on  Great  Aggravations  of 
Capital  and  all  that  kind  of  thing.  He  used  to 
Orate  about  the  Lumber  Trust;  though,  when  it 
came  to  a  Showdown,  he  could  never  lay  his 
Hand  on  it.  Finally  he  Stumbled  on  the  Health 
Food  Trust. 


EESAWED   FABLES  109 

He  Discovered  that  all  the  Breakfast  Food 
Builders  had  formed  a  Combination  that  made 
the  Combination  on  the  vault  door  of  the  First 
National  Bank  in  Chicago  look  as  easy  as  a 
Prize  Rebus  in  a  Piano  ad.  This  Trust  he 
Viewed  with  Alarm.  He  saw  Starvation  Staring 
People  in  the  Face  if  their  Breakfast  Food  was 
cornered. 

Now  it  also  came  to  Pass  that  at  about  the 
same  time  the  Anti-Trust  business  was  not 
yielding  very  heavy  Dividends.  It  was  Very 
Disappointing  to  go  forth  and  stir  the  Hearts 
of  the  Multitude  on  the  Dangers  of  Capitalistic 
Encroachment  and  then  have  only  89  cents  in 
the  Collection.  So,  while  he  went  about  Dis- 
cussing the  Trusts,  he  took,  up  Inventing  as  a 
Side  Line. 

It  was  while  he  was  belaboring  the  Health 
Food  Trust  at  Night  and  Working  on  a  Model 
of  a  Flying  Machine  by  Day  that  he  discovered 
a  Perfect  Substitute  for  Oats  and  Barley  in  the 
Manufacture  of  Breakfast  Food.  He  began 
Experimenting,  interested  Capital — that  Villain 
Capital! — built  a  Factory  and  put  the  Health 
Food  Trust  on  the  Bum  in  a  Year  with  Com- 
petition when  he  Couldn't  have  more  than  made 
it  wiggle  its  tail  with  a  Century  of  Wind  Jam- 
ming. Everybody  switched  off  from  the  Regular 


110  EESAWED   FABLES 

Health  Foods  to  the  Substitute.  The  Inventor 
kept  the  Secret  of  the  Invention  to  himself. 

Then  one  Morning  the  World  awoke  with  a 
Headache  to  find  that  a  Sawdust  Trust  had  been 
Formed  during  the  Night.  The  Wise  Inventor 
had  kept  the  Process  by  which  the  Substitute 
was  manufactured  a  Secret  until  he  had  Cor- 
nered all  the  Sawdust  in  the  World. 

Thus  Fell  the  Eeformer;  but  his  wife  now 
gets  $2,158,976  a  Month  for  Pin  Money. 

Moral — No  Game  looks  Wicked  after  You 
Butt  in. 


Of  Telling  You  So 

Once  there  lived  Side  by  Side  two  little  boys. 
Because  the  back  doors  of  their  Homes  looked 
at  Each  other,  it  must  not  be  supposed  that  their 
people  Mixed  to  any  Considerable  extent.  The 
lads  Mixed  it  in  the  Alley  once  in  a  while,  but 
that  was  the  Extent  of  the  Social  Intercourse 
between  the  neighbors.  The  difficulty  was  the 
fact  that  Harold  was  the  Son  of  a  Saw  Mill 
owner  who  lived  on  Front  street,  while  Sammy 
was  the  Son  of  a  Dump  Cart  driver  who  lived 
on  Back  street. 

As  the  Boys  grew  up  there  wasn't  a  Wish  that 


EESAWED   FABLES  111 

Harold  did  not  have  Gratified,  except  the  Desire 
to  win  One  of  those  alley  Encounters;  as  for 
Sammy,  these  Three-round  Affairs  in  the  alley 
were  the  only  Fun  he  had.  Sammy  learned  to 
Depend  on  Himself  for  what  he  Got;  Harold 
Drew  on  the  Old  Man. 

At  about  the  time  they  both  became  old 
enough  to  Vote,  the  Saw  Mill  man  moved  Out 
West,  because  he  was  Cleaning  up  only  Ten 
Thousand  a  year  in  the  Old  Town;  and  Sammy's 
father  went  along  to  work  for  him,  because  he 
Always  Had.  The  Years  went  by,  according  to 
Schedule.  Then  News  came  that  each  of  the 
boys  had  Eeceived  a  Term  in  Colorado. 
Sammy's  was  in  the  Legislature  at  Denver; 
Harold's  was  in  the  Pen  at  Canon  City. 

Then  the  Wise  Guys  in  the  old  town  Held  a 
mutual  admiration  meeting.  There  was  not  a 
Man  or  Woman  in  the  Burg  that  did  not  Know 
all  the  time  that  those  two  boys  would  Turn  Out 
that  way,  and  the  I-told-you-so  Fiend  went  Up 
and  Down  the  Pike  challenging  Successful  Con- 
tradiction. It  was  a  beautiful  Opportunity  to 
Hand  it  to  the  Sons  of  the  Rich. 

One  would  naturally  think  that  the  Wiseacres 
would  have  felt  something  of  a  Jar  when  word 
came  six  months  Later  that  it  had  been  Discov- 
ered that  Harold  was  Falsely  Accused  and  that 
Sammy  had  been  Stuffing  ballot-boxes  at  Or- 


112  EESAWED   FABLES 

chard  Place.  But  you  have  another  Think  com- 
ing. The  Mutual  Admiration  Society  in  the  Old 
Town  Reconvened  and  Agreed  that  it  knew  all 
the  time  that  Blood  would  Tell. 

Moral — Many  people  would  rather  be  Incon- 
sistent than  Mistaken;  in  consequence  they  are 
Both. 


Of  the  Man  Who  Was  Troubled 
With  Insomnia 

Once  upon  a  time  there  was  a  man  who  was 
Troubled  with  Insomnia  and  a  Saw  mill.  He 
complained  to  the  Bookkeeper  about  the 
Insomnia,  and  the  bookkeeper  advised  him  to 
have  it  Lanced.  Of  course  the  Bookkeeper 
didn't  know  what  Insomnia  is.  The  Bookkeeper 
could  sleep  as  Hearty  as  a  Babe.  A  good  Tough 
Trial  Balance  would  send  him  off  into  a  Kip 
Van  Winkle  that,  by  Comparison,  made  a  Chi- 
cago policeman  look  as  active  as  a  Campaign  lie. 

The  Mill  man's  friends  suggested  Eemedies 
that  varied  all  the  way  from  Morphine  to 
Huntereye.  None  of  these  medicaments  ever 
did  him  good,  although  several  professional 


EESAWED   FABLES  113 

Experimenters  did — and  Plenty.  The  Sawmill 
man  came  in  time  to  Brag  that  there  wasn't  a 
thing  in  the  Heavyweight  class  that  could  Put 
him  to  sleep — not  even  Al  Kaufman  or  the 
Congressional  Eecord. 

About  this  time  he  casually  met  a  William 
Goat  in  the  alley,  head-on,  and  a  humble  he-sheep 
did  what  Medical  Science  and  the  Congressional 
flapdoodle  had  failed  to  accomplish.  Kind  neigh- 
bors found  him,  after  remarking  it  was  a  Shame 
he  Drank,  carried  him  into  the  woodshed,  and 
sent  for  the  Village  Pain-knocker  and  Bill- 
booster.  The  Disciple  of  Galen  Explored  him 
about  five  Moments  and  announced  that  no  bones 
were  broken,  but  that  the  Snooze  looked  good 
for  a  week  or  Eight  Days.  '  Then  they  Locked 
up  the  Goater  and  put  the  Goatee  to  bed  and 
Hired  a  Tame  Nurse  to  keep  People  and  Flies 
out  of  the  Eoom  at  $20  per. 

Meanwhile  the  Insomnia  patient  had  a  Beauti- 
ful Dream.  It  made  the  ordinary  Pipe-Siesta 
look  like  a  Boarding  House  Vision.  He  dreamed 
that  the  Theory  of  Transmigration  had  come  to 
pass  and  that  he  had  been  Bunted  into  the 
Middle  of  a  Future  Existence.  He  was  in 
another  World. 

Finally  he  wandered  up-street  and  came  to 
what  he  Presumed  was  a  Department  Store — 
one  of  those  places  where  you  give  up  Good 


114  EESAWED   FABLES 

Money  for  the  Privilege  of  being  Walked  on  by 
fat  Women  looking  for  the  Peau  d'Soie.  But 
he  had  another  Presume  coming,  for  when  he 
approached  yet  more  nearer  his  eye  fell  on  a 
sign  which  read: 

"SPHERES  EXCHANGED." 

This  aroused  the  Dreamer's  curiosity.  He 
butted  in.  He  found  the  place  thronged  with 
a  Great  Throng  of  ex-persons  like  himself.  Of 
course,  most  of  the  others  had  come  in  on  Regu- 
lar Trains  and  not  on  the  Billy  Goat  Express. 
Nevertheless,  they  were  there. 

The  man  who  had  arrived  on  the  Sheep  Special 
finally  discovered  that  this  was  the  place  where 
People  came  to  have  their  Spheres  in  life  refitted. 
On  earth  some  of  them  had  occupied  Spheres  that 
fitted  them  about  as  well  as  A.  Scalper  would 
adorn  the  Presidency  of  the  National  Wholesale 
Lumber  Dealers'  Association. 

A  floor- walker  explained  it  to  the  Earthly  one. 
"Y?  see,"  said  the  Gentlemanly  Usher,  " every 
Gazabo  who  breaks  into  Utopia  (this  is  the 
place)  is  backed  up  to  a  looking-glass  to  see 
how  his  Sphere  fits.  If  he  has  been  Blundering 
Along  down  Below,  undoing  something  that  he 
ought  not  to  have  been  doing  in  the  First  place, 
or  this  place,  we  take  it  away  from  him  and 


EESAWED   FABLES  115 

give  him  Something  that  will  make  him  Self- 
supporting." 

"You  say  'him',"  remarked  the  man  with  the 
lovely  snooze  on.  "Are  there  no  women  up 
here,  yes?" 

"The  other  seventeen  Floors  are  the  Women's 
Departments,"  replied  the  Official  Guyed, 
assuming  a  more  Troubled  air.  "The  women 
keep  us  exercised  more  than  the  men;  but  we 
have  effected  some  Marvelous  Cures  which  are 
verified  by  Testimonials  from  Thankful  Patients 
now  on  file  in  this  office." 

"The  patients?" 

"No,  the  Testimonials.  There  is,  for  instance, 
the  Chairwoman  of  the  Committee  to  Give 
Advice  to  the  Czar,  of  the  Binglewood  Woman's 
Club.  Why,  when  that  Woman  Invaded  this 
place  she  even  said  she  was  Chairman  of  that 
Committee!  Now  she  is  the  head  of  a  Happy 
Home  and  has  actually  made  the  Acquaintance 
of  her  Children.  The  President  of  the  Young 
Ladies'  Floral  Association  for  Condemned 
Murderers  now  sends  her  Bouquets  to  the  Sick." 

The  Somnolent  Sawmiller  had  come  to  the 
Conclusion  (this  Tale  is  far  from  that)  that 
Utopia  was  almost  as  good  a  place  as  the 
South  Side. 

"How  about  the  Brutes?"  he  asked,  pointing 
to  the  Gentlemen's  Furnishing  Department, 


116  EESAWED  FABLES 

where  new  Spheres  were  being  Passed  out  like 
watermelon  at  a  Newsboys'  Picnic. 

"See  that  Sign-painter  there1?"  asked  the 
Steering  Gear.  "He  used  to  hang  around  the 
Art  Institute.  Observe  the  Gazabo  in  the  Salt 
Department?  On  the  earth  he  thought  he  was 
a  Sash  and  Door  salesman.  Now  he  is  a  Salt 
Seller.  That  fellow  with  the  long  Hair,  the 
Hatchet  Face  and  orang-outang  arms  thought 
he  was  a  Poet.  He  is  Carrying  a  Hod  up  here. 
This  man  to  the  left  was  a  Reporter;  now  he 
is  a  Sampler  in  a  Distillery.  An  ex-teamster  is 
now  a  Boss  over  Men;  he  was  too  cruel  to  handle 
Mules.  This  statue  of  Cupid  was  a  Messenger 
Boy.  No,  he  was  not  made  into  a  Cupid  because 
he  loved  to  Work;  but  we  put  the  Speed  Indi- 
cator on  him  and  found  he  was  better  suited  for 
Statuary."  . 

The  Sawmill  man  butted  into  the  remarks 
again.  "As  for  myself,"  said  he,  "I  used  to  be  a 
Lumberman.  I  am  a  little  curious  to  know  about 
That  Business.  Any  Lumbermen  up  here?" 

"Lots  of  People,"  said  the  Guyed,  "who 
Think  they  are  Lumbermen  come  up  here.  Of 
course,  no  one  ever  told  them  they  were. 
We  have  a  Sawmill  man  who  is  running  a 
Sausage  machine  and  making  a  Success." 

"Don't  you  ever  Make  a  Mistake?" 

"Once  in  a  While.    We  put  one  of  those  anti- 


EESAWED   FABLES  117 

Association  Retailers  at  work  running  a  Peanut 
Stand,  but  he  made  a  Failure  of  it." 

"  Everybody  up  here  seems  to  Break  Out  of 
the  lumber  Business.  Don't  anybody  ever 
Break  into  the  Lumber  Business  up  here?" 

"Of  course  not — this  is  Heaven." 

"Don't  anybody  ever  come  up  Here  who  is 
the  Eight  Man  in  the  Eight  Place?" 

"Oh,  yes.  There  was,  for  Instance,  the  Alder- 
man who  came  up  here  in  a  Cage." 

At  this  juncture  the  floor- walker  took  on  a 
bizzy-izzy  manner.  "However,"  he  said, 
briskly,  "this  is  our  Busy  Day.  We  have  just 
received  a  Batch  of  folks  who  Learned  Jour- 
nalism by  means  of  a  Three  Weeks  Correspond- 
ence Course,  and  we've  got  to  get  them  back 
to  Laundry  Work.  So  your  case  '11  be  next. 
You  are  a  Sawmill  Man?" 

"Yes." 

"What  are  your  Symptoms?" 

The  Sawmill  Man  described  how  he  sat  up 
with  himself  every  night. 

"You  say  you  have  no  Desire  to  Sleep?" 

"That's  it." 

The  Inspector  called  an  Assistant.  ' '  Take  this 
man,"  he  said,  "and  get  him  a  job  as  a  Night 
Watchman.  That'll  cure  him." 

Moral — Is  your  Sphere  on  Straight? 


118  EESAWED   FABLES 

Of  the  Man  Who  Wanted  to 
Borrow  Money 

A  Lumberman  who  was  entitled  to  the  Title 
because  he  had  Lumbered  for  twenty  Years  and 
pretty  well  learned  every  Department  of  the 
Industry,  from  Chopping  the  Tree  to  Working 
up  Common  into  Al  sash,  became  inoculated 
with  the  Idea  that  he  would  like  to  go  into  Busi- 
ness for  himself.  He  knew  the  Lumber  Trade 
from  Alpha  to  Omega  and  from  Boston,  Mass., 
to  Hope,  Ida.  He  had  skidded  Logs,  tail-sawed, 
piled  and  even  sold  a  little  Lumber  for  someone 
Else;  and  so  the  idea  that  he  would  like  to  be 
his  own  Boss  came  naturally.  He  was  not  the 
first  young  Lumberman  who  had  got  such  a  Bee 
in  his  Bonnet. 

He  dreamed  about  it  with  a  Constancy  that 
even  his  wife's  mince  pie  could  not  Interrupt. 
However,  though  he  had  Dreamed  about  it  with 
such  devoted  Regularity,  he  had  not  saved  up 
very  much  Coin  against  the  day  when  he  should 
wish  to  launch  forth  upon  the  Business  Sea.  For 
some  Years  during  the  early  part  of  his  lum- 
bering Career  he  had  put  his  shoulder  to  the 
Family  Wheel,  so  his  early  Training  and  hard 
Knocks  brought  him  no  Profit  but  Experience. 


EESAWED   FABLES  119 

Now,  Experience  is  a  Good  Thing,  but  a  Poor 
one  on  which  to  negotiate  a  Loan. 

After  he  had  helped  to  start  Sundry  Small 
Brothers  on  successful  Careers,  so  successful,  in 
fact,  that  they  came  to  look  upon  their  Big 
Brother  with  Condescension  and  to  avoid  Refer- 
ence to  the  Relationship  in  Conversation  with 
Others,  he  did  another  Expensive  thing.  He 
Fell  in  Love.  This  was  a  Wise  thing  to  do. 
He  drew  a  Prize  in  the  Marriage  Lottery  who 
Cheered  his  Despondency  and  Made  his  Socks 
last  Two  Summers.  His  Marriage  was  followed 
by  the  Usual  Consequences — six  of  them.  The 
Young  Lumberman  did  not  object  to  this. 
But  they  all  took  Money.  In  consequence,  when 
the  Opportunity  to  break  into  the  Lumber  Busi- 
ness presented  itself,  it  found  the  young  lumber- 
man, as  the  after-dinner  speakers  say,  "  totally 
unprepared." 

The  Opportunity  came  rather  Suddenly.  The 
Opportunities  of  a  Poor  man  Generally  do,  and 
they  do  not  Linger  long.  It  seems  that  another 
young  man  more  fortunately  situated  Finan- 
cially had  been  set  up  in  the  Retail  Lumber 
business  in  our  Hero's  town.  This  other  Youth 
was  a  good  fellow,  but  he  Lacked  Experience 
with  Lumber  and  People.  In  consequence  the 
yard  was  not  a  Howling  Success.  Instead,  it 
was  a  quite  Audible  Failure.  It  didn't  get  the 


120  EESAWED  FABLES 

Business  that  the  Stock  warranted.  The  local 
Banks  thought  the  Yard  was  to  blame.  Our 
Hero  knew  where  the  trouble  lay.  Finally  the 
Yard  man  got  Tired,  and  the  people  who  were 
Behind  him  became  somewhat  Fatigued  them- 
selves. Then  it  went  out  that  the  yard  was 
For  Sale. 

Here  was  our  Hero's  opportunity.  He  had  no 
capital.  But  he  had  his  fellow-townsmen  with 
him,  he  had  Experience,  and  he  had  "a  Way 
about  him."  In  fact,  he  had  everything  that 
Makes  for  Success  except  Money.  He  was 
doomed  to  learn  that  he  lacked  the  Principal 
Ingredient.  He  struck  a  bargain  with  the  Yard 
Man  first.  Then  he  went  out  to  borrow  the 
Money. 

He  went  to  the  Banks,  but  had  no  Security 
to  Offer  but  a  Firm  Conviction  that  he  would 
Succeed.  There  was  Nothing  Doing.  He  became 
Despondent.  His  Good  Wife  cheered  his  De- 
spondency, but  that  was  all  she  could  do;  it  was 
his  Shoes  that  he  wore  out  now. 

Next  he  went  to  Men  of  Means,  but  they  were 
Equally  Timid.  They  all  Declared  they  were 
on  the  Brink  of  Financial  Euin.  He  did  not 
blame  them  Much,  but  he  wished  they  had  as 
much  Confidence  in  him  as  his  Wife  had.  At 
last,  as  a  Last  Resort,  he  went  to  the  People  he 
should  have  gone  to  First.  He  went  to  the 


EESAWED   FABLES  121 

people  who  had  already  sunk  some  Thousands 
in  the  Yard.  They  saw  the  Difference.  He  pulled 
them  out  Better  than  Even,  and  did  better  than 
that  for  Himself. 

Moral — A  man  never  realizes  how  Poor  he  is 
until  he  needs  Money;  and  he  never  realizes 
how  poor  Other  People  are  until  he  tries  to 
Borrow  it. 


Of  the  Model  Young  Man  and  the 
Jobs  That  Lingered  Not 

A  certain  gazabo  had  been  selling  lumber  and 
the  Eetail  Trade  for  Ten  Years  without  ever 
amassing  a  Batting  Average  that  seemed  to 
entitle  him  to  Break  into  Faster  Company.  As 
a  matter  of  Fact  he  was  playing  the  Bench  most 
of  the  time;  and  when  he  did  Catch  On  his  salary 
indicated  that  he  was  hitting  them  out  at  about 
.178,  whereas  he  considered  himself  a  .343 
Swatter  and  that  he  had  Larry  Lajoie  and  Sam 
Crawford  beaten  a  City  Block.  Having  just  said 
Farewell  to  his  last  Job,  and  being  anxious  to 
Catch  the  Drag  to  Prosperity,  he  anchored  him- 
self to  a  Park  Seal  and  tried  to  reason  the  matter 
out — a  very  reckless  Thing  for  him  to  attempt. 

Personally  he  considered  himself  one  of  the 


122  EESAWED   FABLES 

Best  that  ever  came  down  the  Pike.  He  did  not 
have  the  Swelled  Head  so  much,  however,  that 
he  could  not  sit  up  and  Kecognize  the  fact  that 
other  Funny  Folks  thought  he  was  a  Shine  and 
a  Skate.  This  led  him  to  wonder  what  was  the 
Matter  with  Hannah.  He  had  held  good  Jobs, 
but  he  had  been  canned  so  often  that  he  felt  like 
the  Pickled  Peaches  that  Mother  used  to  make. 
In  fact,  it  seemed  that  every  Time  he  made  his 
Getaway  he  left  behind  him  the  faintly  audible 
rattle  of  Tin.  His  whole  life  seemed  to  consist 
of  being  chased  away  from  good  Jobs.  Every- 
where, at  the  end  of  two  Weeks  it  was  the  glassy 
Eye  and  the  Marble  Heart  and  " Here's  your 
Hat — what's  your  Hurry?"  He  would  no  more 
than  Tack  onto  what  looked  like  a  good  Propo- 
sition than  he  would  get  a  Hunch  that  a  Vacancy 
in  his  Department  would  be  much  appreciated. 

He  had  become  so  Accustomed  to  the  Side- 
tracking Stunt  that  he  half  expected  that  one 
of  the  Cops  would  spy  him  on  the  Park  seat 
and  tell  him  to  Hike  along.  But  there  was  not 
a  Copper  in  sight,  and  the  man  out  of  Luck  was 
permitted  to  Soliloquize  on  the  Why  there  was 
no  Cush  in  his  kick. 

Like  a  Chesty  Willie,  he  sized  up  first  the 
places  where  he  was  the  Strong  Man  from 
Akron.  He  whispered  to  himself  the  fact,  for 
instance,  that  he  was  not  a  Booze  Fighter.  He 


EESAWED   FABLES  123 

had  been  on  the  Water  Wagon  ten  years  and 
could  Wave  away  a  Manhattan  without  the 
Quiver  of  an  Eyelid.  He  knew  nothing  about 
Hop  Joints,  and  his  life  was  one  of  Moral  Recti- 
tude. In  spite  of  being  on  his  Uppers,  he  never 
Piped  it  off  in  his  Raiment;  for  he  wore  Glad 
Rags  seven  days  in  the  week  and  Sported  a 
Watch  Fob  big  enough  for  Balloon  Ballast.  At 
the  Jollying  Game  he  had  a  line  of  Hot  Air 
second  to  None,  and  could  untie  a  wheeze  or 
hold  up  his  end  of  a  Talkfest  like  a  Tonsorial 
Impresario.  He  used  to  hang  around  lumber 
Offices  for  hours  talking  about  Himself,  because 
he  thought  it  would  Please  the  Children. 

But  he  didn't  sell  any  Lumber,  which  was  a 
Sad  and  Bitter  Disappointment.  The  House 
invariably  shared  in  this  Disappointment  and 
left  him  reading  that  thrilling  romance,  "Male 
Help  Wanted." 

Our  Hero  at  the  time  our  Story  opens  was 
engaged  in  Warming  a  Seat  in  the  Park  and 
trying  to  locate  the  Cause  of  the  whole  Trouble. 
Needless  to  say,  he's  there  yet.  Here's  the 
Answer: 

Moral — To  be  Popular,  avoid  being  Auto- 
biographical. Talk  about  the  Other  Fellow; 
or,  if  you  can't,  let  Him  do  it. 


124  EESAWED   FABLES 

Of  the  Uses  of  Experience 

L.  M.  Knotz  and  his  son  C.  Dar  Knotz  differed 
slightly  on  the  Question  of  Football.  The  Dif- 
ference was  about  as  Slight  as  that  between  a 
Shipper  and  a  Buyer  in  the  Grading  of  a  Car 
of  lumber.  C.  Dar  Knotz  thought  that  Football 
was  great  Sport  and  a  necessary  Part  of  a  Col- 
lege Education;  L.  M.  Knotz  thought  that  it 
was  great  Sport  for  the  Hero  on  top  of  the  Heap, 
but  (a  Place  which  it  might  not  be  well  to  men- 
tion) for  the  Gazabo  with  the  Ball,  who  was  at 
the  Bottom.  As  for  being  a  necessary  and 
Component  Part  of  a  Higher  Education,  L.  M. 
Knotz  thought  that  that  depended  to  some  con- 
siderable Degree  on  the  Circumstances.  If  the 
Student  was  going  to  be  a  Divine,  or  a  Corpo- 
ration Lawyer,  Knotz  the  Elder  could  not  see 
that  a  Football  Education  was  Essential.  A  man 
might  not  be  able  to  handle  Punts,  and  still  be 
able  to  preach  a  Passable  Sermon.  He  might 
not  know  much  about  Breaking  up  Interference, 
and  still  be  able  to  Fracture  a  Fat  Will.  Of 
course,  if  the  Student  intended  to  be  a  Bowery 
Policeman,  or  had  to  ride  Home  every  night  on 
one  of  the  suburbans,  a  Graduation  from  the 
Gridiron  might  help  Some. 

L.  M.  Knotz  had  other  Plans  for  his  Son  and 
Heir,  however.  He  had  not  mapped  out  a 


KESAWED   FABLES  125 

Brilliant  Career  in  the  Pulpit  for  him,  partly 
because  C.  Dar  Knotz  had  not  Exhibited  any 
Desire  to  Leap  into  a  Pastorate  Immediately 
upon  leaving  the  Brain  Factory.  Neither  did 
L.  M.  Knotz  anticipate  making  a  Lawyer  out 
of  the  boy — in  fact,  he  was  Laboring  to  keep 
the  boy  as  far  from  the  Bar  as  possible.  His 
fond  Parental  heart  figured  that  "L.  M.  Knotz  & 
Son"  would  look  a  good  deal  better  on  the 
Glass  Door  than  just  "L.  M.  Knotz,  Wholesale 
Lumber,"  as  at  Present.  The  younger  Knotz 
had  as  yet  not  decided  the  matter  for  Father. 
He  didn't  care  to  Eow  with  the  Old  Man  about 
the  Lumber  Business;  but  he  was  compelled  to 
differ  with  him  on  the  Football  Proposition. 
The  Football  Question  looks  Different  from  the 
Halfback  position  than  it  does  from  the  Side- 
lines. It  was  Natural,  however,  that  L.  M. 
Knotz  and  his  great  responsibility,  C.  Dar  Knotz, 
should  Differ  on  the  Football  Question.  Football 
looks  different  to  the  man  who  can  hardly  run 
One  yard  and  to  a  man  who  can  Eun  a  Hundred 
yards  in  :10  flat. 

When  C.  Dar  Knotz  joined  the  Football  squad, 
Knotz,  Sr.,  was  dubious.  When  Coach  Yost 
transferred  him  to  the  'Varsity  team,  Knotz,  Jr., 
went  into  Raptures  and  his  Father  into  Con- 
vulsions. Knotz,  Sr.,  is  a  Bum  Penman,  but 
the  Epistle  he  indited  to  Knotz,  Jr.,  was  very 


126  EESAWED   FABLES 

Plain.  It  was  so  Plain  that  he  who  Ran  might 
Read — in  fact,  so  Plain  and  to  the  Point  that 
he  who  Read  might  Run. 

But  Knotz,  Jr.,  didn't  Run.  He  wrote  a  long 
Collect  Telegram  to  Father  in  which  he  said 
Things  about  the  Glory  of  the  School  and  how 
he  ought  to  want  his  Son  to  be  a  Credit  to  his 
Alma  Mater.  Football,  he  declared,  was  a 
Harmless  Amusement,  and  he  asked  Father  to 
come  down  and  see  a  Game,  just  to  Satisfy  him- 
self. As  Knotz,  Sr.,  had  been  Coming  Down  for 
Knotz,  Jr.,  ever  since  the  boy  learned  the  way 
to  the  Candy  Store,  he  didn't  know  why  he 
should  not  come  down  now.  So  he  came  Down. 

Any  Football  Player  will  tell  you  that  it 
always  works  that  Way.  A  man  may  go  through 
a  Season  without  a  Scratch;  but  let  him  Invite 
some  Fond  One  down  to  a  game  to  Prove  that 
Football  is  simply  Scientific  Tag,  and  he  will 
be  reduced  to  Pulp  in  the  First  Scrimmage.  On 
the  Day  Appointed,  L.  M.  Knotz  was  in  a  Front 
Seat  in  the  Bleachers.  He  saw  C.  Dar  out  on 
the  Field  with  a  Uniform  on  that  looked  like 
the  Czar's  Bullet-proof  Nightshirt.  The  Game 
started.  L.  M.  Knotz,  Respectable  Wholesale 
Lumber  Dealer,  felt  rather  Foolish  at  first.  But 
when  he  saw  a  Bald-headed  man,  with  eight 
Yards  of  Ribbon  on  his  coat  and  no  Hat  on, 
Two-stepping  on  a  6x4  plank  seat  40  feet  above 


RESAWED   FABLES  127 

the  Ground,  he  decided  there  were  still  a  few 
others  Loose. 

Then  Pennsylvania  fumbled,  and  a  little  chap 
on  C.  Bar's  side  yelled  "4— 11— 44."  He  saw 
C.  Dar  grab  a  brown  Watermelon  and  Butt  in. 
Another  fellow  was  so  delighted  to  see  him  that 
he  Rushed  up  and  Embraced  him.  When  about 
twenty  others,  the  best  that  Knotz,  Sr.,  could 
Estimate,  rushed  up  to  shake  hands  with  C.  Dar, 
Knotz,  Sr.,  swelled  with  pride.  Play  Football? 
Well,  he  guessed  he  could — all  he  wanted  to. 
Knotz,  Sr.,  had  no  idea  the  boy  was  so  Popular. 
But  the  Pennsylvania  man,  whose  name  they 
said  was  Ike,  but  who  didn't  look  the  Part,  had 
embraced  C.  Dar  so  hard  they  Both  fell  down 
and  the  rest  all  stumbled  on  top  of  them. 

When  they  got  up  again,  C.  Dar  didn't  get  up. 
They  carried  him  off  the  Field,  and  when 
Knotz,  Sr.,  looked  at  him  he  wondered  how 
C.  Dar's  friend  Ike,  of  Pennsylvania,  had  recog- 
nized him.  Incidentally,  Michigan  lost  a  Football 
Star.  ' '  Parental  Ob  j  ection,  "the  sporting  editors 
said.  But  a  Compromise  was  effected.  Knotz,  Jr., 
was  to  play  Football  in  college;  then  he  was  to 
enter  the  Lumber  Business,  if  he  survived. 

He  never  got  another  Bruise.  After  gradua- 
tion he  started  to  learn  the  lumber  business. 
Knotz,  Sr.,  believed  in  beginning  at  the  Bottom. 
C.  Dar  began  by  Piling  Lumber.  One  day  he 


128  EESAWED   FABLES 

and  a  man  of  unknown  Nationality,  whose  name 
was  Ole  Olson,  were  piling  3x8s.  There  came  a 
burst  of  thunder  Sound,  and  Knotz,  Sr.,  and 
Everybody  within  a  Mile  rushed  to  the  spot. 
They  sent  Olson  home  in  a  Gunnysack.  Then 
they  began  looking  for  young  Knotz. 

Finally  a  lumber-shover  beheld  a  Leg.  They 
removed  a  few  more  3  x  8s,  and  then  the  lumber- 
shover  Pulled  the  Leg  respectfully.  0.  Dar 
Knotz  staggered  to  his  feet. 

"What  down  is  this?"  he  asked. 

Moral — The  Value  of  Experience  lies  not  so 
much  in  the  Success  we  Achieve  as  in  the 
Calamity  we  Avoid. 


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